40 and out........

 When I was in secondary school I remember saying I won't live passed 40. I remember saying 40 is the age I want to hit. I remember saying my ideal way of kicking the bucket was to be shot in the back of the head from less than 100 meters away. I distinctly remember that. In 2 days time I am 41. In two days time in my book I am living on borrowed time.......

For the last few months I've been thinking. I don't remember the last time I did something for myself. Pretty much everything I have done is to make other people happy or to try to avoid annoying others. What do I do for myself? the Noel Gallagher concerts I went o in 2015 and 2012. That is all I can think of. I live my life day by day wanting an escape. I live my life tired. I live my life wondering when I can switch off. I have said for years that I wouldn't do anything whilst my mother is still alive. I've said I wouldn't do anything because of my niece and nephew. If I'm honest they are becoming less and less of a detterant. If this blog is ever discovered people will say we didn't see it coming. People will say we didn't know. People will say we didn't realise. People will say we didn't do anything because we didn't think he was serious....... To those people, read anything I've written in the last year or so........

I've told someone for a long time about how I'm single. I was convinced to join a dating site. I did. Sadly I joined to do nothing more than show that everything I have said is as serious as cancer (rythm is dancer). They saw messages. Then then saw me get ignored and blanked in exactly the way I said I would be. They didn't believe until they saw it. They have honestly said nothing else about it since then. Surely when one of your biggest supporters throws in the towel it's time to leave the stage....... Even my mother once said she doesn't see me growing old with children. I didn't think it would mean I grow old on my own.............

It's so easy for people to say well change something. It's so easy for me to point out that I get, and I mean this with every beat of my heart, crippling anxiety (see other posts about my past) at the thought of throwing myself out there. You know what they say, up and down for attention, across for success. Rest assured that's not the way it will happen.

Ta ta......

#Alone #Suicide #MentalHealth