42 and...........................

 It's been a while...........

As I start my second pint of double strength long island iced tea I start writing this........

50ml White tequila

50ml London gin

50ml Vanilla Absolute

50ml Morgans spiced rum

A splash (about 20ml) of contreau (however you spell it)

a splash of lime juice

Top up with full fat Coca cola.......... about 220ml of 40% alcohol in each drink.

Bowers and Wilkins headphones on and Oasis playing at full volume......

Things have changed. things are very different financially from where I was last time we caught up. I'm no longer an employee but more a director. who would have thought? What the fuck is that all about? It's almost like I'm grown up which leads to the root of the action of the writing for the first time in a while. I've been thinking about writing a post for a few months now but I am of the honest belief that if you have to think if something and make yourself write instead if being organic then it's going to be shit. Maybe it's the pretty much pint of spirits that has caused the motivation. truth be known I was close to writing a poem and posting it inspired by Marie. Last thing I want to do is give myself reason to be in tears right now so that's been dropped in to cold storage. So why?????............

I'm 42. I'm sat here on my new jumbo chord sofa not really giving a fuck. I'm 42. When I was in secondary school I said I would be dead by now. Why aren't I? It's the little people. 

I've been feeling like shit for a little while now reaching out to people I shouldn't. I'm feeling incredibly lonely in life. All the people I actually care about are married/engaged/spoken for or I simply have zero interest, as odd as it sounds, having them in my life anymore. I think I'm resigned to living the entirety of my life from this day forth on my own and it really is not something I hate about. I've had the conversations with people who say just get yourself out there and speak to people. Not that simple and the next person who tells me to not worry about it and do it is going to get both barrels........ It's not easy. it's 35 years of being told I'm ugly. it's 35 years of being the friend. It's a few years of hating myself for not telling someone how much I love them before they left. I have such fond memories of the last proper conversation her and I had. I was driving home. She was typical her. I was me. She was amazing. I miss her all the time. I said I wasn't going there so on to the next thing..........

If you are with someone embrace them not meant in a physical way but let in to your heart what they mean to you and try to give yourself a split second of time to imagine what it would be like if they left. embrace your loved ones.

I've been watching a LOT of the "restoring faith in mankind" videos where people are kind to each other. I would give up EVERYTHING to have someone who misses me like that. 

On that note, time to finish the pint and go to bed. I've got work in the morning....

Nonsense and things...........

Frazer