Wednesday the 6th November 2019. Return from work and continue drinking the bottle of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. The drive home had me listening to some songs which which ultimately brought the return of the tears..... What's going on then?......
Changes at work whilst are very good and are taking the company in the right direction seem to have had a bit of a side effect that I am far from keen on and how it has pushed people to change. Not quite the door mat I have previously been but it seems that whilst some things change for the better some things just change their face and other things just remain the same. Surely it's a case of aim at the positives and everything else will fall in to line. Sure, that's always been how it's worked in the past.......
The social flying ant that I have become is, for now, becoming more comfortable that I really want it to be. After someone challenged me on how things stand socially I have been digging deep in my head to try and think about how it is that things over the passed 8 years have actually affected me and the conclusion I have come to is simply that I am in my head socially worthless. By that I mean it is how I feel I am based on my old circle of "friends". Someone cant have worth if they are so eagerly dropped to cement their comfort. Has this only had (the clearly) negative effect that I convey? I don't think it has. It has opened my eyes as to how others are treated and how it could very easily affect them in the long term rather than the next five minutes. Not to say I was blind to it before but I'm thinking about it more than I have in the passed. I'm sure there are people that I could have effected in the same way however I think to myself that my opinion hasn't mattered enough to anyone to effect their lives in such a way and if I have and have hurt that person then I offer them a genuine apology with my cap in hand.
Things have been happening with my best friends children and there is a MASSIVE part of me that wants to get in touch with them and be blunt and say "Look, I'm here and will always help" however I am not seen like that by them and that is a real shame and breaks my heart a little bit. I can see sooo much of what I went through at their age in them and I don't feel like I can reach out to them because of who I am. I know that sounds odd but it's simply because they are growing up and becoming actual real people!! They have their circle of friends and have their support structure. They know I'm here but I'm not secondary let alone primary support for them. The most beautiful people fall by the side of the unabashed.
The drinking thing....... It's not an issue. It's simply an escape. I get that it's a dangerous tightrope to walk however I am not the sort of person to allow themselves to be guided or controlled by something they deem they need. The old and bad "lady" habit I had is dead. It seems odd saying that because I still actively look but now I just think there is no fucking way I am handing over my money, It's mine. I've got bills and shit to pay for!!
I think I'm settled on the belief that I am going to grow old and die alone. I don't see a way out of that anymore.
Short and sweet........
Now fuck off and live life like a rock star!!!!
Fxx
