Come on. You know the ones. You're walking down your local shopping street and all of a sudden some grubby and yet spotless urchin jumps out at you and insists on talking to you about the blight of the three legged lesser spotted badger from the Philippines. Both you know and I know that regardless of what bollocks they are about to spout connected to it's babies that are born with mange so bad they have to shit out of their left ear. It's nonsense because the ultimate plan is to get your bank details!!!! There is only one style worse than this and that's the ones that knock on your door. I've been off work today and my door bell went. I answered and someone said we want to speak to you about animals. "Do you like animals sir". The first mistake was asking such a fucking stupid question designed to do nothing more than trap me into a path of expanding conversation and the second was calling me "sir". Don't do that. It will just make me think that you view yourself as lower than me on the food chain of life. I said yes I do but I am not in a position to give them my money at the moment. The person who rang on my buzzer at this point played what can only be described as the worlds greatest checkmate. He came back instantly and said we aren't here for that today we are here to give away free dogs. I shit you not, for a split second my brain went into full I WANT A CUTE PUPPY mode and then came back to reality. I brilliant reply to someone who was clearly not expecting it!!
Well done if you got through that house brick of text!!
The other week I was walking down the road and I made the fatal mistake of making eye contact with someone. They turned round and looked at me. There was a group of three of them. They were of Asian ethnicity and I thought as they walked towards me that they were after directions to somewhere. I was happy to give them these directions. They asked if they could speak to me and a little alarm went off in my head along with the words holy fuck please no. They asked if they could speak to me about the bible. Now then, this is a subject I love albeit not believing in any part of the bible, you know, because it is a book written by man for men, a lot like the book written by L. Ron Hubbard. If you don't know who he is then google it..... I told them I wouldn't be the best person to speak to as I am not religious, they said they only wanted to speak to me as they were from Korea and it was a language exercise for them and that was all. I went along with it and they were reading from a folder and speaking about why there was a father a son bu no mother god and that it mirrored a normal family home in all other aspects apart from the lack of a mother, Anyone who knows me can probably guess that this is normally all I need to fire off on a rant about modern life and religion and how the view changes depending on which version of Aesop's fables you actually read. The long and the short of it was after showing me the famous painting of all those people having a meal with Jebus and his wife next to him they asked if I knew the painting, I said yes and then they asked me if I believed in the possibility of there being a mother god........ I gave them a bit of a blank look and reminded them that it wouldn't be a fair answer as I don't believe in god. They said thank you and good bye.....
One of the main things going through my head was north or south I MUST KNOW!!!!!
My normal methods of deflection when someone asks if they can speak to me in the street are either to just stand there and stare at them without blinking until they walk off (this works a treat!!) or simply say I'm sorry I can't speak to you I died last night. Both of these are brilliant and topped only by when I was walking through central Berlin and got approached, they couldn't walk away fast enough when I spoke in English!!!!
Despite all this being said I do understand that people are doing it as a job and from time ti time they actually care about the cause but it's the ones who just won't fuck off that have caused this venom for the rest off them.
The long and short of it is everyone has to do a job. DON'T DO A SHIT JOB!!
Fx
