Wednesday 25 May 2016
The truth hurts.
This is blog I've thought about writing many many many times and have always talked myself out of it as it's an insight into Frazer as a person, the real person, the hidden person.
For the past few months I've thought how wonderful it would be to simply end it all. The only problem with thoughts of suicide is I wouldn't do it to my parents no matter how appealing it is. No more worrying about shit. No more anxiety. No more depression.
I'm 36. I have a job that doesn't bring me any joy at all. I have a boss that phones me at up to an hour before my official start of work time to have a go at me and when I question him on this he insists he has the right because I should be on my way to work anyway. My start time for work is 8am. I'm very very rarely late but when I get there at 07:32am he tells me I'm late. It is very rare that I take time for lunch however he still says I am not working a full day. In a meeting earlier this week he used the words, and this is a direct quote "we speak to people at the end of the day so they are depressed at home rather than depressed whilst at work". There was no concern that an employee could be depressed. Today he had a meeting with me and one of the faults he picked was that I didn't meet with somebody and get a lift with them when we were going to the same job despite the fact that we don't live near each other and left at completely different times. I'm starting to wish I didn't work for this company...
One of the main attacks is....... I should wash the van in my own time and it's in my contract that I have to do it in unpaid time.
What would I want to do? I want to do nothing more than help people. I've said this for a long time.
Sunday 1 May 2016
It's been a while.......
I've been going back and forth with myself for a while as to what to write for my next blog. This could possibly be the hard one to write because I am writing it because I feel I need to rather than the normal way which is rant utter bullshit and nonsense that will fire from a single feeling or thought in my head from some point that day....
It's a thinking one. It's a genuine one. It's not upbeat and it's not a light read. You have been warned....
In the last couple of weeks someone has said to me "people get what they deserve". This phrase has been going round in my head ever since they said it. It's a wonderful image but as with many images these days it's not real. They also say a picture paints a thousand words. This is true but the words that often get painted are different depending on how deep you wish to delve. Look at the top layer of paint and you will simply see the skin. The layer on the top is so very rarely the image of the message we actually want to transmit.
I've been through many phases of my life many were fun and many were not. I've been a complete areshole at times and a shell of a human in others. This is kind of where I think this blog is going to go as at the moment I really don't know which image is on display. I don't even show the real one to the closest people to me anymore.
I was going to write a blog and title it with a title that was based on anger which would have been something along the lines of "There is no hidden agenda you fucking moron". It was going to be based on me trying to do nice things for people and them seeming to want to either ignore me or run a mile. To those people I say, are you really that arrogant. Do you honestly believe that you are that wonderful that someone might only do something for you in order to get something back from you rather than just doing something as a kind gesture? I would suggest that this is more a reflection on who you are as a person rather than the person trying to do the kind deed.
The stage I am at at the moment is that I am totally unaware of the course my life will take when it comes to love, life and marriage. 20 years ago I would never have thought this was possible. Many would say that this is something I have control over with regards to getting out and meeting people. To those people I simply say that I would challenge them to walk a month in my social and mental shoes and then tell me that after the massive pangs of fear to do with meeting new people and being accepted that it is really that easy to go out on your own and come across as someone that others would want to show any interest in at all let alone be in a relationship with.
This believe it or not is not a self pity blog as it is more a writing what is currently going through my head. I don't have a any pity for me. Whilst I don't have someone to share my life with I do have some incredibly beautiful guitars in my life that seem in more than one way they seem to be my comfort that would have been there if I had someone to come home to.
I don't really know where else to go with this. I guess its true what people have said about others that spend their time trying to make others laugh. They really are burying and hiding their demons. The demons always get out.
Nonsense
Fx
It's a thinking one. It's a genuine one. It's not upbeat and it's not a light read. You have been warned....
In the last couple of weeks someone has said to me "people get what they deserve". This phrase has been going round in my head ever since they said it. It's a wonderful image but as with many images these days it's not real. They also say a picture paints a thousand words. This is true but the words that often get painted are different depending on how deep you wish to delve. Look at the top layer of paint and you will simply see the skin. The layer on the top is so very rarely the image of the message we actually want to transmit.
I've been through many phases of my life many were fun and many were not. I've been a complete areshole at times and a shell of a human in others. This is kind of where I think this blog is going to go as at the moment I really don't know which image is on display. I don't even show the real one to the closest people to me anymore.
I was going to write a blog and title it with a title that was based on anger which would have been something along the lines of "There is no hidden agenda you fucking moron". It was going to be based on me trying to do nice things for people and them seeming to want to either ignore me or run a mile. To those people I say, are you really that arrogant. Do you honestly believe that you are that wonderful that someone might only do something for you in order to get something back from you rather than just doing something as a kind gesture? I would suggest that this is more a reflection on who you are as a person rather than the person trying to do the kind deed.
The stage I am at at the moment is that I am totally unaware of the course my life will take when it comes to love, life and marriage. 20 years ago I would never have thought this was possible. Many would say that this is something I have control over with regards to getting out and meeting people. To those people I simply say that I would challenge them to walk a month in my social and mental shoes and then tell me that after the massive pangs of fear to do with meeting new people and being accepted that it is really that easy to go out on your own and come across as someone that others would want to show any interest in at all let alone be in a relationship with.
This believe it or not is not a self pity blog as it is more a writing what is currently going through my head. I don't have a any pity for me. Whilst I don't have someone to share my life with I do have some incredibly beautiful guitars in my life that seem in more than one way they seem to be my comfort that would have been there if I had someone to come home to.
I don't really know where else to go with this. I guess its true what people have said about others that spend their time trying to make others laugh. They really are burying and hiding their demons. The demons always get out.
Nonsense
Fx
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