Not feeling good

So then, Last night I spent about 90 minutes messaging someone at crisis. I'm really not happy at the moment. for the first time in a long time I can say I genuinely feeling really depressed and no I wont be jumping on the old believe of "take tablets for it". Please don't say that to me. I find it offensive. Your way of solving a problem is not my way of solving a problem!

 I don't think it is any one certain that has caused this but more a small string of things.

I'm tired. I'm tired of coming home to an empty flat. I'm tired of being only a friend. I'm tired of never being seen as anything other than someone in the background rather than an important part of someone's life. I'm tired of the fact I have hit 40 and have achieved what I see as nothing in my life. I'm tired of the fact that I feel that even if I did end up in a relationship with someone I am passed the point of being young enough to start a family. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have anyone who I can speak to 100% and is without question thee for me. I've tried to b the best person I can be and will always help someone if I am able but yet it feels like I am still the after thought. I'm tired.

I have said many times the only reason I would end my life is because of the Edinburgh collective and right this minute that is painfully accurate.
 I don't want to continue on this path and I don't feel I have the ability to divert it from it's course. Never judge someone or insist the solution is easy unless you have spent a day in their mind and seeing as that isn't possible it's best to keep the simplistic replies left unsaid.

I'm deeply unhappy and don't know what to do but don't want to be in this state anymore. I would welcome an uncontrolled solution.

Along comes the merry-go-round

Ah Ah Ah, what's you're name, what's you name? Hold the S because I am an aint'.......

Along comes that time of year again but this year we introduce call of duty...........

Another year single. Another year believing I am broken......

I'm not sure (once again) where to go with this. I know what I want to say but simply can't publish what is bouncing around in my head. Not the usual. This time there is someone who has taken the home alone to there is someone who is local. The problem being this time I'm not sure it's the crutch I should be leaning on.....

The first port of call wasn't available so it ended with a 1.5 mile walk to get milk that I didn't use and then whisky and call of duty. The slide seems to be greased and I seem to be waiting at the top. I'm not about to jump on but believe me I feel like I'm looking down it.............

I'm tired of being single in this world. I'm tired of carrying my life on my shoulders. I' tired.....

M if I could bring you back I could do with some advice. I miss you.

Fuck it all

Fx









I can't play the third video because it's been banned by youtube........