January 1st 2017......
So then, last night I imagine most of you were out having a wonderful time or were spending time with a loved one. What was I doing? I was in bed by about 20:15. Why was I here? Mostly because I hadn't had any contact or messages or invites from anyone to go out for new years eve. The drama begins.......
Right then, long story short. I had a really fucking shity time up until the age of 18 when it comes to friends. various things happened and I ended up having to find new friends every few years. I found a group of people that I thought were my new group of friends. This lasted a long time and I met loads of new people that I was more than happy o be friends with. It is in my nature that if there is anyone who needs my help or support then I will always give it. I tend to give more than I get back except in a couple of circumstances. I have even done things with prisons and with court problems simply because people needed me to do something or help them out in some way.
Whilst living at my parents I was often told that the reason people didn't come round is because it was awkward to come round to my bedroom in my parents house. Surely when I move out and have my own place people would visit. You would think so wouldn't you. I spent all my social time from the age of 18 to the point of moving into my own place at the age of 32 travelling to other peoples houses and always making the effort for them. Driving around and often ferrying people around at my expense to help them out. Once again surely when I move into my own place it will be time to pay it back......
2011, December 10th. I move into my own place......
I stood in my flat and waited for the insurgence of people coming to visit me. You know, I'd spent 14 years making the effort for them......... The door didn't knock. The bell didn't ring.
A year or two passed and I voiced thoughts on the matter and let people know that I was really depressed and on several occasions had wanted to end my life. A good friend would then change how they were and try to make sure the other person is ok. Did this happen? NOT A FUCKING CHANCE. One person even said Why didn't you tell me how you had been feeling? Sure I will be around more. Did anything change? NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.
You spend all of your life trying to do right by other people and and you find that others have taken you to be some sort of cunt and ignored who you are as a person. You try to do best by other people and, I have used these words, do what you can to make other peoples lives a better place to live.
My question is. Why have I bothered to put my time and effort into this when people are so eager to turn their back on me and forget me? What the fuck have I done in life to validate being treated like this? I must have been some sort of supersonic arsehole!
New year 2016.....
No invites. Not even any happy new year messages.
It went through my head that I wanted to end 2016 by ending my life. I couldn't do that to my parents no matter how much I would have liked to.
The people I know are coming across as complete fucktards. Do I have the energy to start again? I don't know. Do I hope they are all vanquished to a life on there own so people can see what it's like to be forgotten by people who you thought were friends? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!!!
This has caused me social anxiety. This has caused me real problems mentally.
No kiss.
A royal fuck you to the people that have damaged me in this way.
F
