We've all heard them. We've all sat there and heard a parent tell their child that Santa exists. We've all heard the child ask about the tooth fairy. We've all heard the parents tell the ugly child that they love them...........
To quote a good friend....... "The lies are never ending"
In the run up to Christmas, you know, the run up that these days seems to start in May, are told they must behave otherwise Santa won't come. I for one know of someone that told their child Santa wouldn't come and when Christmas day arrived it seemed that Santa hadn't been. This, you have to admit is an amazing way of saving £30.
If I ever have children, which at this point isn't looking hopeful, I will make sure that as soon as they show any sort of grasp on reality I will be telling them that the monster that lives under their beds and watches them as they sleep ripped Santa's throat out when they were young and they are just waiting for the children to fall to sleep at which point they will be on the fast track to joining the puppy they used to have that went to live on a farm.......
Zombies aren't real......
Zombies are soooo real and next time you are bad it's going to eat your brains.
Trolls.........
They don't live under bridges. They live in the forest and can smell religion. Trolls hate religion. If you are religious a troll will come and kill you. PS, there might be a troll in your cupboard.
I love you.....
Now this is a bit of a touchy subject........ Parents love their children don't get me wrong but it's a bond very few have any choice in. Now then, if you could actually step outside your body and watch your child's behaviour when out in public would you really think "Now that's a child I love" as they are screaming at the dog or shouting for the parent to fuck off whilst in the middle of a supermarket on Sunday afternoon.
We all lie to children but it's alright, most of them are fairly thick and won't be aware that you are lying your arse off just to make your own life easier and stop the little bastards from making the annoying noise they are right at that second!!
Lying nonsense, long may it live!!!!!
Fx
Thursday 17 September 2015
Saturday 12 September 2015
The weekend shop........
This is the blog that I think could make people think I'm a bit of a snob and I am so feel free to fuck off just a little. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!
Like a normal person it's very rare that I have the ability to go out and do the household shopping during the week. You know, because I've got a job and live on my own so have things to do in the flat when I get home.
It's Saturday morning. You wake up. You think to yourself you need to sort out a little bit of shopping weather it's going out and buying your favourite brand of tampon in order for you to go out roller blading with your three legged dog later past the water purification plant. Why do you by the ones that are coated in silk made from the finest swans tears? You buy them because your arse deserves it...... That's where they go isn't it?..........or you need to go and buy 3kg of sugar so you can have 2 cups of tea this weekend. Is 3kg enough? Not a clue. I reckon it's fairly hit and miss.
I'm going to jump in here quickly and say that Waitrose is not included in anything I am saying. There wouldn't be any point in blogging about them. if you shop at Waitrose then it's a good bet you ask your butler to collect your Ocado from your staff entrance in the west wing of your staff quarters. Well done you. Your feet are firmly routed in the real word. Can I borrow 2 and 6 for a pint of milk? Or is it £30?.......
You park your vehicle in the spot you have chosen. The battle to get that spot alone was worthy of some sort of life time achievement award. You dodged the idiots in cars reversing out at 30mph without looking. You swerved round the parent out with their 73 children, 81 of those children are screaming the tarmac off the floor and the 9 remaining are telling the parent to fuck off. You could have picked from a much larger selection of spaces but the Vauxhall vectra and the Lexus owners have parked across 3 other spaces.
You've made it into the actual supermarket and I commend you on that. You're a legend. You're what makes the world rotate.
You're minding your own business looking at all the different varieties of green tea when that old woman with one of the special zimmer trolleys stands directly in front of you completely obscuring your view. This in itself was an achievement because you were only stood two foot in front of the shelf but crafty badger that she is she managed to sneak in and somehow she has also managed to fit her trolley in there too. SHE'S A FUCKING MAGICIAN!!! When this happens to me I like to stare at the back of the persons head in sheer disbelief and make sure I maintain the stare even when she steps away and looks back at me wondering what's wrong. I have to say it really isn't fair of me to say that it's an old person that's going to get in your way. There is a very strong chance it could also be an immigrant family or the local scrounging family who is on benefits and doesn't need to work because they prefer to get hand outs. If they need some more money they squeeze out another leech in nine months time.
If you've managed to bypass all of this then rest assured being polite and letting people pass in the isle will 100% get you a thank you....... won't it? Ohhhhhh, the clue should have been when then didn't slow down at all and had every intention of walking straight through you anyway. Bellends!!!!
If you manage to survive all of this then I offer you my heart felt congratulations. You deserve a medal you fucking legend!!
Weekend shopping nonsense. It's not fit for man nor honey badger.
If you've made it this far well done. You have to much time on your hands but rest assured I love you for it!!
Fx
Like a normal person it's very rare that I have the ability to go out and do the household shopping during the week. You know, because I've got a job and live on my own so have things to do in the flat when I get home.
It's Saturday morning. You wake up. You think to yourself you need to sort out a little bit of shopping weather it's going out and buying your favourite brand of tampon in order for you to go out roller blading with your three legged dog later past the water purification plant. Why do you by the ones that are coated in silk made from the finest swans tears? You buy them because your arse deserves it...... That's where they go isn't it?..........or you need to go and buy 3kg of sugar so you can have 2 cups of tea this weekend. Is 3kg enough? Not a clue. I reckon it's fairly hit and miss.
I'm going to jump in here quickly and say that Waitrose is not included in anything I am saying. There wouldn't be any point in blogging about them. if you shop at Waitrose then it's a good bet you ask your butler to collect your Ocado from your staff entrance in the west wing of your staff quarters. Well done you. Your feet are firmly routed in the real word. Can I borrow 2 and 6 for a pint of milk? Or is it £30?.......
You park your vehicle in the spot you have chosen. The battle to get that spot alone was worthy of some sort of life time achievement award. You dodged the idiots in cars reversing out at 30mph without looking. You swerved round the parent out with their 73 children, 81 of those children are screaming the tarmac off the floor and the 9 remaining are telling the parent to fuck off. You could have picked from a much larger selection of spaces but the Vauxhall vectra and the Lexus owners have parked across 3 other spaces.
You've made it into the actual supermarket and I commend you on that. You're a legend. You're what makes the world rotate.
You're minding your own business looking at all the different varieties of green tea when that old woman with one of the special zimmer trolleys stands directly in front of you completely obscuring your view. This in itself was an achievement because you were only stood two foot in front of the shelf but crafty badger that she is she managed to sneak in and somehow she has also managed to fit her trolley in there too. SHE'S A FUCKING MAGICIAN!!! When this happens to me I like to stare at the back of the persons head in sheer disbelief and make sure I maintain the stare even when she steps away and looks back at me wondering what's wrong. I have to say it really isn't fair of me to say that it's an old person that's going to get in your way. There is a very strong chance it could also be an immigrant family or the local scrounging family who is on benefits and doesn't need to work because they prefer to get hand outs. If they need some more money they squeeze out another leech in nine months time.
If you've managed to bypass all of this then rest assured being polite and letting people pass in the isle will 100% get you a thank you....... won't it? Ohhhhhh, the clue should have been when then didn't slow down at all and had every intention of walking straight through you anyway. Bellends!!!!
If you manage to survive all of this then I offer you my heart felt congratulations. You deserve a medal you fucking legend!!
Weekend shopping nonsense. It's not fit for man nor honey badger.
If you've made it this far well done. You have to much time on your hands but rest assured I love you for it!!
Fx
Friday 11 September 2015
The world we live in post 9/11
14 years ago today a terrible thing happened and this has led to this blog. A serious blog is what I am about to write. Don't get used to it!!
On that day, at that time, in that place the world was sadly changed and became what some would argue is a much worse place to be. The attack was beyond what I think most people would ever think was within the realms of reality. I mean, planes being hijacked and flown into buildings and one being hijacked and aimed at what most would regard as the head of the US secret service! I mean seriously, this shit just doesn't happen in real life. When people talk about it and then start throwing around numbers of people who died on that day I can never understand why they don't also then include the people who have died as park of the chain reaction that was begun on that day. We all saw what happened afterwards. We all saw that it was used as an excuse to go and wage war on terror. What does that really mean though? Does it mean that, and I don't know the figures, it's alright to have killed off more people than the actual attacks and justify it as "we are hunting for Bin Laden"? No I don't think it does. Please don't me wrong, I agree that there were certain people that MUST have been taken out of power and it is great that those people are no longer in control of anything. It wasn't done in the right way though in my humble opinion. We went to war under the cloud of hate rather than defence.
What it the most long term damaging thing that might very well have come from the action that was taken? I think without doubt the most vile thing that has come from what happened is the level of generalised opinion that has flourished with regards to people casting aspersions on entire religions. I am not a fan of religion and that is putting it lightly but you have to be offensively stupid to place everyone from the same belief system in the same bracket. If you do that and are a christian then you really need to evaluate your life and take a look at the back ground to a few bits of history. Religions are simply a guide to how people should live their lives. Some take it like each word is a direct command. Some read it and choose to work with the good parts and ignore the bad. The only people in the world that we need to worry about that read these guides to beliefs are the people that choose to enforce the bad points with force.
I don't really know where else to go with this without opening the double doors on other controversial subjects and those are not for here an now!
People need to concentrate on love and not on the hate that they can spin from things.
Fx
On that day, at that time, in that place the world was sadly changed and became what some would argue is a much worse place to be. The attack was beyond what I think most people would ever think was within the realms of reality. I mean, planes being hijacked and flown into buildings and one being hijacked and aimed at what most would regard as the head of the US secret service! I mean seriously, this shit just doesn't happen in real life. When people talk about it and then start throwing around numbers of people who died on that day I can never understand why they don't also then include the people who have died as park of the chain reaction that was begun on that day. We all saw what happened afterwards. We all saw that it was used as an excuse to go and wage war on terror. What does that really mean though? Does it mean that, and I don't know the figures, it's alright to have killed off more people than the actual attacks and justify it as "we are hunting for Bin Laden"? No I don't think it does. Please don't me wrong, I agree that there were certain people that MUST have been taken out of power and it is great that those people are no longer in control of anything. It wasn't done in the right way though in my humble opinion. We went to war under the cloud of hate rather than defence.
What it the most long term damaging thing that might very well have come from the action that was taken? I think without doubt the most vile thing that has come from what happened is the level of generalised opinion that has flourished with regards to people casting aspersions on entire religions. I am not a fan of religion and that is putting it lightly but you have to be offensively stupid to place everyone from the same belief system in the same bracket. If you do that and are a christian then you really need to evaluate your life and take a look at the back ground to a few bits of history. Religions are simply a guide to how people should live their lives. Some take it like each word is a direct command. Some read it and choose to work with the good parts and ignore the bad. The only people in the world that we need to worry about that read these guides to beliefs are the people that choose to enforce the bad points with force.
I don't really know where else to go with this without opening the double doors on other controversial subjects and those are not for here an now!
People need to concentrate on love and not on the hate that they can spin from things.
Fx
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