The weekend shop........

This is the blog that I think could make people think I'm a bit of a snob and I am so feel free to fuck off just a little. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!

Like a normal person it's very rare that I have the ability to go out and do the household shopping during the week. You know, because I've got a job and live on my own so have things to do in the flat when I get home.

It's Saturday morning. You wake up. You think to yourself you need to sort out a little bit of shopping weather it's going out and buying your favourite brand of tampon in order for you to go out roller blading with your three legged dog later past the water purification plant. Why do you by the ones that are coated in silk made from the finest swans tears? You buy them because your arse deserves it...... That's where they go isn't it?..........or you need to go and buy 3kg of sugar so you can have 2 cups of tea this weekend. Is 3kg enough? Not a clue. I reckon it's fairly hit and miss.

I'm going to jump in here quickly and say that Waitrose is not included in anything I am saying. There wouldn't be any point in blogging about them. if you shop at Waitrose then it's a good bet you ask your butler to collect your Ocado from your staff entrance in the west wing of your staff quarters. Well done you. Your feet are firmly routed in the real word. Can I borrow 2 and 6 for a pint of milk? Or is it £30?.......

You park your vehicle in the spot you have chosen. The battle to get that spot alone was worthy of some sort of life time achievement award. You dodged the idiots in cars reversing out at 30mph without looking. You swerved round the parent out with their 73 children, 81 of those children are screaming the tarmac off the floor and the 9 remaining are telling the parent to fuck off. You could have picked from a much larger selection of spaces but the Vauxhall vectra and the Lexus owners have parked across 3 other spaces.

You've made it into the actual supermarket and I commend you on that. You're a legend. You're what makes the world rotate.

You're minding your own business looking at all the different varieties of green tea when that old woman with one of the special zimmer trolleys stands directly in front of you completely obscuring your view. This in itself was an achievement because you were only stood two foot in front of the shelf but crafty badger that she is she managed to sneak in and somehow she has also managed to fit her trolley in there too. SHE'S A FUCKING MAGICIAN!!! When this happens to me I like to stare at the back of the persons head in sheer disbelief and make sure I maintain the stare even when she steps away and looks back at me wondering what's wrong. I have to say it really isn't fair of me to say that it's an old person that's going to get in your way. There is a very strong chance it could also be an immigrant family or the local scrounging family who is on benefits and doesn't need to work because they prefer to get hand outs. If they need some more money they squeeze out another leech in nine months time.

If you've managed to bypass all of this then rest assured being polite and letting people pass in the isle will 100% get you a thank you....... won't it? Ohhhhhh, the clue should have been when then didn't slow down at all and had every intention of walking straight through you anyway. Bellends!!!!

If you manage to survive all of this then I offer you my heart felt congratulations. You deserve a medal you fucking legend!!

Weekend shopping nonsense. It's not fit for man nor honey badger.

If you've made it this far well done. You have to much time on your hands but rest assured I love you for it!!

Fx