That there dating scene.........

You all know how it is. You get to that point in life when you think to yourself you need to settle down. It's about time you got yourself a dog and/or a cat or whatever else it is you feel the urge to have sat on your lap when you get home from a hard day at work. If you are feeling really brave then you might have decided to settle down with a man or a woman or if you are really REALLY lucky two of whichever you choose. Most of you succeed at this but the very few elite people on this planet without intending to choose to run the course until late in the game. I'm going to liken this to something Richard Hammond once said. "When you go out to a disco the easiest thing is to leave as soon as possible with the first female to show willing" This is very much the path I am going to pretend I didn't want to take.......
 After reaching the tender age of 36 I have decided that I might become proactive in finding myself a partner in crime who will eventually agree to be locked in my cupboard and be brought out for special occasions . Which path am I going to go down to succeed in this? Who knows. The first part of this master plan is to get back to the gym and as soon as I've finished this 85 inch pizza with extra cheese I will think about pretending I will join my local lycra in the park group. I long for nothing more than prancing around the local green with beanbags gaffer tapped to my forehead in the interests of improving my apple core.......
 Singles nights......... I think this could very well be the path that is taken. I can think of nothing more exciting than visiting one of these groups that is no doubt full of the "take what you can get" mentality. I'll turn up there in my most rock and roll Timberlands and glasses whilst sporting a rather fetching necklace and medium size bunch of keys. What sort of braindead moron wouldn't jump on that be it man or woman? I might have to take mace. When I say might be rest assured that I will be turning up in full battle dress and carbon fiber armor and signed Perry McCarthy Stig helmet. I can tell by this point you are all either hard or wet!!
 As I type I am trying to think of some questions that will entice even the most cold hearted of lumberjacks for example, "Exactly how long have you been in to me for?"

We'll see how things go

Dating nonsense. On with the havoc!!

Fx

PS; If you enjoyed this blog, if it made you laugh, if it made you smile let me know by commenting or sharing it with people. Thank you :)

Twitter

I've walked away from twitter.

Every now and then things do much more damage than they should be allowed to do. Sometimes even the softest arrows can cause terrible damage.

There won't be a part 2 or 3 of my last blog.


Fly away.

It's all about G

1998...... 12th October. I start a new job. The job was for the Sony center. It was the start of many many things some good and some a fairly shit wrapped in lots of layers of super shit. The position was in Epsom and the manager was called Mark. After a couple of weeks Mark told me had a guitar for sale with a very small amp. He wanted £50 for both. I bought them. That was my first ever guitar. I kept that guitar for about 6 months then sold it to one of the many second hand shops that were based near me.

I'm sure many of you probably wish that was the beginning and the end of this story but it isn't! Those of a non guitar or non caring nature should probably just stop reading now!! If you choose to carry on reading then you only have yourself to blame!!

That was it for guitars for quite a long while. In 2005 me and a friend decided to go to Ibiza. we bought the tickets in January for our journey in the last week of July. I was ashamed of how I looked so started working out and being careful with what I ate. we went on holiday. I got my drink spiked and we came home again. It was a great holiday.

 Me working out carried on and however by now, after all this time of working at the Sony center I desperately wanted to leave. I went for job interviews every other Monday and was offered a few positions. I turned them down as the felt far to close to what I was already doing. New year came and went. Just before the new year I had joined a gym. It was a bog thing for me and it was all part of a massive change that I had made in my life. One of the other things that changed was I bought a new guitar at the start of January 2006. It was an Aria AW20 acoustic and I bought it from Charley Chandlers guitar experience in Hampton Wick for £110. I spent god knows how long strumming the open strings on this guitar not even knowing if it was in tune. All I knew was I loved it and felt like I was being creative by holding and strumming it. It was a new feeling. It was the first time I had ever really felt like I had the ability to create anything. I mean here was me, a 26 year old idiot sat in my room with this really basic acoustic guitar and regardless of getting anything in tune out of it I was making a musical noise!! This continued for a week or so until I got fed up with not being able to instantly write a number one song. The start of the evolution was striking and bending the lower e string (I still do this to this day and still enjoy it). It was this, as basic as it was that made me realize I did have it within me to create real sounds with this strange shaped box of food. I googled basic chords and avoided all the two fret chords as they back then really feel like proper chords. I found he G chord and learnt it. Granted it isn't hard to learn a chords that only has three finger positions but it was from then on my chord and to this day is easily my favorite chord. I became a fucking genius when it came to the G chord!!!

 I found a girlfriend and carried on with the practicing. One day I plucked up the courage and showed her what I was doing and the very basic notes I had put together. Her reply was "is that it? You aren't very good at it are you". It was a massive knock to my confidence. I put the guitar down and never really picked it up again. One day she knocked the guitar over and from then on it had a rattle noise to it. She had managed to damage the guitar all be it no on purpose. The truss rod was loose and despite it being tightened turned never stopped rattling. it still does to this day.

In 2012 I moved out and started living on my own.

In 2013 a game was released across a few formats. The game was called Rocksmith. One weekend I went out and bought the game. In the same trip to the shops I went back to Charley Chandlers and bought myself an Aria STG-03. It is a strat style electric guitar. I took the guitar and the game back home and plugged my new guitar into my Playstation and and loaded up Rocksmith. It started. First of all I had to confirm the headstock configuration and then tune it up for the first time ever. These tasks were completed fairly quickly although because if the tuners that were fitted to this £120 guitar it took longer than I would be happier with now.

 Tasks complete. The game begins...........

 The first musical task in the game is simple. Play the strings it tells you to on the screen.No time limit. No expectations. 30 seconds later the notes had been played. It seems I had just played a basic part of my very first riff. Satisfaction by the rolling stones!!! From now on I am a fucking rock and roll star!!!!!

That guitar lasted about 3 months.

On the 3rd of January 2014 I phoned in sick to work and went to guitar guitar in Epsom. I was dead set on owning a Les Paul guitar. I spoke to a lady in the shop and settled on an Epiphone special 2. Why this guitar? Why a Les Paul? It only comes down to one thing. Noel Gallagher used to play a Les Paul. Noel Gallagher was and still is my music idol. It had to be a Les Paul. Nothing else would be acceptable. It is possibly my most important guitar move. It still holds a very very firm grip on my heart strings as it was after all the very first guitar I ever loved. It cost me £115 and caught my heart.

2 months Later on the first of March I got on an plane. It took off from Gatwick and airport and landed in Tampa Florida. During my visit I went to guitar center in Tampa and saw this guitar that as  soon as I saw it was in real awe. It was another Epiphone. This one looked so pretty I just had to own one. I thought long and hard about if i should buy it whilst I was there and import it back to the UK in a hard case. I decided not to as I feared being hit with import tax. When I was back where I was staying in the states I had a look at some websites and found one for sale in the UK. It was in Brighton in Guitar, Amp and Keyboard otherwise known as GAK. I paid a deposit and when I got back to the UK despite being a bit jet lagged jumped in my car and drove 60 miles to go and pay for and collect this vision of a guitar I had seen in the states. It was an Epiphone custom pro in silver burst. I bought her along with a hard case to protect her with........

to be continued...........

Coming up......... The prophecy EX, the studio, the Marshall and the masterbilt!

Whales hate dating.

Let's get one thing straight. I'm fat! I have the BMI of the love child of a walrus and Jabba the hutt. Seriously, I used to drive cars up and down fields just to dig trenches for the war!!!!!
 Anyway, it's time for a change. It's time to lose some of this cake weight. What is it that has caused this sudden change of lifestyle? In all honesty there is nothing sudden about it. It's been planned and wanted to be done for a good few years. The final straw was, and this is sad, Tinder. I've been on and off Tinder for hundreds of years. This time though I was getting some likes and tried to speak to a few people only to have no response at all. I wondered why. I thought I would take out a subscription and get more option in the app. As soon as I paid money all matches instantly died. It was almost like the matches I was getting were force by a bot or some other automated means. (This isn't meant as attention seeking or after sympathy). It's a bit of a......... NO it's a fucking massive kick in the bollocks. It's a real knock down and realization that you are clearly not attractive to the other sex. I'm going to assume in my case it's because of the weight. It isn't helped by the fact I tend to be worried about speaking to females incase they think I'm trying something or chatting them up. The fear of rejection will always mean I have never really have the confidence to speak to women that I find attractive.

It all spans from being a child and a few things that happened whilst growing up. The main one that sticks out is as follows. You might think it's a little pathetic but I don't think anything is pathetic if it has this much of a long lasting effect. Whilst in primary school we were at that ages where you would play kiss chase. I was part of one game. It is the only time I have ever played the game and I only ever caught one girl. She was one of the cool girls and she told me that if I even tried to kiss any girl they would instantly stop playing. That combined with always being called fat kind of killed off any self esteem I might have developed.

I can't help think that these things are the reason why I have become the person that I am and strangely enough I actually really love the person I am even if i dislike the covering that surrounds it. It's the reason why one of the most important things in my life id to try to make others smile. In my book if you make yourself look like a complete idiot but manage to make someone smile that whatever you have done is worth it. If you can make someone else's world a better place eve for just a few seconds then it was worth getting out of bed in the morning. With that said it really does kill off the "it's the person inside that counts" saying that is thrown about by most people be it male or female. If it was the case that people wanted someone who was going to be kind and look after them and put their best interests first and not ever hurt them then surely. If you don't look chiseled and pretty then you don't even register. This goes in both directions and men have been complete fucking idiot s to women for all of eternity and we still seem to get away with it in one form or another.

I don't really know where this is going now as it seems to have speared off on a tangent I wasn't intending it to spear off on so I'm going to leave it there.

Remember, some of the most beautiful presents can often be wrapped up in the worlds worst vomit soaked wrapping paper.

Enough with the nonsense.

Fx