Let's get one thing straight. I'm fat! I have the BMI of the love child of a walrus and Jabba the hutt. Seriously, I used to drive cars up and down fields just to dig trenches for the war!!!!!
Anyway, it's time for a change. It's time to lose some of this cake weight. What is it that has caused this sudden change of lifestyle? In all honesty there is nothing sudden about it. It's been planned and wanted to be done for a good few years. The final straw was, and this is sad, Tinder. I've been on and off Tinder for hundreds of years. This time though I was getting some likes and tried to speak to a few people only to have no response at all. I wondered why. I thought I would take out a subscription and get more option in the app. As soon as I paid money all matches instantly died. It was almost like the matches I was getting were force by a bot or some other automated means. (This isn't meant as attention seeking or after sympathy). It's a bit of a......... NO it's a fucking massive kick in the bollocks. It's a real knock down and realization that you are clearly not attractive to the other sex. I'm going to assume in my case it's because of the weight. It isn't helped by the fact I tend to be worried about speaking to females incase they think I'm trying something or chatting them up. The fear of rejection will always mean I have never really have the confidence to speak to women that I find attractive.
It all spans from being a child and a few things that happened whilst growing up. The main one that sticks out is as follows. You might think it's a little pathetic but I don't think anything is pathetic if it has this much of a long lasting effect. Whilst in primary school we were at that ages where you would play kiss chase. I was part of one game. It is the only time I have ever played the game and I only ever caught one girl. She was one of the cool girls and she told me that if I even tried to kiss any girl they would instantly stop playing. That combined with always being called fat kind of killed off any self esteem I might have developed.
I can't help think that these things are the reason why I have become the person that I am and strangely enough I actually really love the person I am even if i dislike the covering that surrounds it. It's the reason why one of the most important things in my life id to try to make others smile. In my book if you make yourself look like a complete idiot but manage to make someone smile that whatever you have done is worth it. If you can make someone else's world a better place eve for just a few seconds then it was worth getting out of bed in the morning. With that said it really does kill off the "it's the person inside that counts" saying that is thrown about by most people be it male or female. If it was the case that people wanted someone who was going to be kind and look after them and put their best interests first and not ever hurt them then surely. If you don't look chiseled and pretty then you don't even register. This goes in both directions and men have been complete fucking idiot s to women for all of eternity and we still seem to get away with it in one form or another.
I don't really know where this is going now as it seems to have speared off on a tangent I wasn't intending it to spear off on so I'm going to leave it there.
Remember, some of the most beautiful presents can often be wrapped up in the worlds worst vomit soaked wrapping paper.
Enough with the nonsense.
Fx
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