Easter (Jesus was in a crack den)

Right then...... Easter......... Good Friday........ Knock one off Monday (It's just a bank holiday but you have to find something to do with your day off)

Once upon a time there was this group of probably men sitting round and thought they would write what can only be regarded as one of the most successful stories of all time, it's even more successful that Lord of the rings and those films are about 87.3 hours long!!!

 There's some bloke. His mum was a bit of a shit talker, "Of course I haven't been riding anyone else Joseph bae" and his dad was a massive mug "Course you ain't been wiv anyone else lover and we haven't had sex but you're pregnant. Were you wearing my pants again?"..........

A quick side note, isn't it fairly bad for the baby if a pregnant woman rides a donkey bare back *snigger* over shitty mountain paths? I don't think there were any finished roads back then.

..........anyway, I digress. Pretty soon after Mary had been no doubt chasing the dragon she sees an "angel" (she must have been smacked out of her face).
 "Mary babe, tell the mug of a husband that your child is the son of god"

Anyway, she rides the donkey *snigger*, he is to cheap to pay for a hotel. She squats and drops in the barn (literal shit all over the floor) and three men turn up, I think they were probably social services but they told people that they were three kings/wise men (there is nothing wise about telling everyone you are a king just so you can watch a woman give birth) and everyone is happy. Years down the line Jesus is growing up and telling people I'm the son of god so you should be peaceful when I tell you to be (if you did that at either of my schools you would get beaten up)

Eventually the army think to themselves "this guy is a fucking nutter but we cant lock him up. Let's kill him!"

They find a guy that's happy to grass him up and they put him on the cross.

It's a little known fact that when people used to get crucified the thing that would kill you was not the being nailed to the cross but you would either get disemboweled to speed things up or your lungs would collapse. If you have your arms out at a right angle for long enough (a few hours) your lungs will give in because of the form of your body, FACT, look it up!" It's along the same lines of people thinking that you suffocated whilst being hung. That's not how you die. Because of the distance you drop if snaps your neck which fucks up one of the tricks that used to be done where the person to be hung would secrete a tub into their neck so that the airway doesn't close but you then have to think about the whole issue of cutting the bloody flow off to the brain.

Anyway....... I digress......

Jesus is dead. I suspect that in those days he would just have been burned but that doesn't sound as impressive. People are told he is buried in this cave. What I think happened then is some grave robbing bastards thought it would be funny to pinch the body. They opened the cave and what a fucking surprise, he wasn't there. I think they then went off and said "YEAH HE ROSE AGAIN, ONLY WE SAW HIM BUT NOW HE HAS FUCKED OFF FOR GOOD" Basically they were lying fuck nuggets.

What we are basically celebrating at this time of year is a botched execution and grave robbing liars. Enjoy your chocolate you bastards!!

Peace and love

Enough nonsense

Fx