Waitress: Hello sir. What can I get you?
Customer: Yes I wish you would hurry up.
Waitress: Excus.......
Customer: NEVERMIND! I'll have 37 hand boiled oompa loompa eggs please.
Waitress: I'm sorry sir oompa loompas don't exist.....
Customer: DON'T YOU TELL ME THAT OOMPA LOOMPAS DON'T EXIST I'VE SEEN THEM ON A FARM IN KENT. SMALL BROWN THINGS WITH FEATHERS BUT CAN FLY!
Waitress: Do you mean a chicke,,,
Customer: A SWAN! A BLOODY SWAN! AN OOMPA LOOMPA SWAN OMELETTE AND I ALSO WANT SOME WINE THAT HAS BEEN SHIT OUT BY A MILDLY FRUSTRATED WOMBLE!
Clearly this sort of thing only actually happens in the most upper market McDonalds in Bogner Regis but it clarifies my point wonderfully. Of course it does I bloody wrote it!! Stupid things that only rich people buy. Vodka with gold in it? What's the fucking point?
These days it seems that things become expensive and very very stupid purely so they can be sold to people with lots of money just for the sake of selling it at an over inflated cost. Things that need to be put into this category are Caviar, any gold plated Apple device (its done by electroplating and there is fuck all gold used. The chemicals cost more than the plating!), Any off the basic range from a prestige brand. I have always said If you cant afford the item you actually want then don't ever buy the one you can just afford because not only does it make you look cheap it enables these manufacturers to create shit products and put their badge on it in order to make money from crap. You know that old phrase you cant polish a turd? Well THAT!!
This is spanning from someone today giving me a glass of water from a one litre bottle. Upon examination there was a Harrods price tag on the back with £8.99 on it. WHO THE FUCK PAYS £9 FOR A ONE LITRE BOTTLE OF WATER? This is mental! Turn your tap and the shit pours out and if you don't like the taste of that then spend money on a Brita water filter. If you still don't like it then don't drink water but don't spend nine quid on a bottle.
Money is one of those funny things that we always want more than we actually need. I have on a few rare occasions had lots of "spare" money in the bank and have mostly pissed it up the wall on women, food and drink. Its because of this that it doesn't hold the glossy glow it once did. Frankly if I have money I am happier spending it on other people rather than myself for example this year I'm buying a couple of families presents and the original budget of about £800 has been blown to pieces however I have to say that amount of money is going to pale into insignificance when it comes to the amount of pleasure I will get when I give them what I have bought. It will be the highlight of my year, well that and frankly anything from the real life of one person who will remain nameless.
The long and the short of this nonsense blog is simply to say, if you've got spare money don't be a fucking dick. Be happy and do what you can to make others because surely that more important than an oompa loompa swan omelette or some womble arse wine.
BE GOOD TO PEOPLE!
On with the nonsense!!
Fx
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