Here's my Sunday morning. What did you do?

Sat in my flat watching Sunday brunch I heard a bit of a commotion outside. There were some quite loud bangs and loud speaking. I looked out the window to see someone on the phone. I heard him describing someone being in a manic state and thought I would go down to see if there was anything I could do to help. This is what I found and what happened afterwards..... Two men, one on the phone and one in a very hyper manic state bouncing up and down and throwing things out of a bag and in a talking really quickly and raising his voice asking where his phone is. The guy on the phone got off the phone fairly quickly and then seemed to dismiss me fairly quickly. I started walking back into my flats and wondered if they had called the phone to see if they could hear it ringing. There was no sound. I asked if it would, be on silent and was told that he was not allowed to have his film on silent. The other gentleman said something and said "I'll go and get him" then whilst I was still on the other end of the ringing phone he shot off in the rain. The man that I as left with it appeared, has some mental condition. I didn't think it was right that the guy who was clearly disturbed and upset was left on his own so when I got off the phone I started chatting to him and managed to get him to sit on the floor and try to calm down. I sat on the floor next to him and we just did small talk. He then said something that stopped me in my tracks. He told me that he had just been diagnosed with stage four mouth cancer and he had been given 3 months to live. He was worried about being able to tell his mother and daughter. He didn't want them to hear it from someone else. if it weren't for his daughter he said he would have killed himself 3 days ago....... All that was going through my head was "What the fuck do I say to that" 10 minutes later this emergency response vehicle still hasn't arrived. I asked where they had been and where he might have left his phone. I was told that they had been on Mcdonalds and in a local pub. I got the phone number for both of these places off the internet and called Mcdonalds and then called the pub. When they asked what phone it was my heart dropped. It's a Samsung S4 in black. I instantly thought there is no fucking chance that's coming back. It's smart phone so some bastard would have seen it and picked it up and vanished off with it. I spent about an hour sat on the floor against the wall with this guy and all I kept thinking was, just keep him calm. We talked about loads of things and my head kind of went blank when he asked if I had heard about the thing down the road when someone with mental problems attacked some care workers with an axe simply because he wasn't comfortable. This it seems could have turned much more interesting.... Just keep him calm. He said don't worry I'm calm in in his what seemed to me to be a bit of a hyper speed manic way and I told him it's all cool and if I was worried I wouldn't still be sat crossed legged on the floor with him. In truth my heart was racing a little after what he said but It would have been counter productive to do anything other than be calm on the outside. After all emotions are contagious. He carried on talking to me and told me about his mother, daughter, wife, sisters and his ex communicated brother. I asked why he was ex communicated and he said it's his fault that his mother is in a wheel chair and oh yeah, his mother is close to death too. His wife was with him when he found out about the three month problem but his eleven year old daughter didn't know yet. He was going to tell her later that day but he was now worried that he was going to be sectioned and end his days that way. If that happened it would be a lot harder to tell his daughter himself. What do you say? 40 minutes later the emergency response vehicle still hasn't arrived. He told me he didn't think that the ambulance was going to come because he didn't believe that the first guy had called them. He said it's the first time he has seen him in 2 years and he only asked to meet up because he heard that he had come into a bit of an inheritance windfall. He was told in the pub that he won't be giving him any of the money he received. The first guy lost interest in speaking to him after that apparently. The ambulance should be here and the police will come with them. Why will the police be coming too? The police will be here because I am regarded as a danger to myself. There's that heart racing again....... After about an forty minutes the first guy appeared again on his own and said he couldn't find the person he was looking for and said he would go and try in the graveyard...... AND WHY THE FUCK NOT? Carried on chatting and about 15 minutes afterwards he appeared with the person who he was looking for. I said good morning and other than that was pretty much blanked by both of them. Once they had both been there for about thirty seconds the first guy vanished off asap. After about 3 mins I made sure the new guy was alright with him and it turns out that he is the guys step brother. I asked if everything was good and got up and left. I'm feeling quite empty. This guy has the world on his shoulders at the moment and I don't know how I would cope in his position. Do you? Be kind to people. You never know when you are going to be in that situation yourself. Pay it forward. If you can't be kind to other people then maybe you should take a look at why. Frazer

The truth hurts.

This is blog I've thought about writing many many many times and have always talked myself out of it as it's an insight into Frazer as a person, the real person, the hidden person. For the past few months I've thought how wonderful it would be to simply end it all. The only problem with thoughts of suicide is I wouldn't do it to my parents no matter how appealing it is. No more worrying about shit. No more anxiety. No more depression. I'm 36. I have a job that doesn't bring me any joy at all. I have a boss that phones me at up to an hour before my official start of work time to have a go at me and when I question him on this he insists he has the right because I should be on my way to work anyway. My start time for work is 8am. I'm very very rarely late but when I get there at 07:32am he tells me I'm late. It is very rare that I take time for lunch however he still says I am not working a full day. In a meeting earlier this week he used the words, and this is a direct quote "we speak to people at the end of the day so they are depressed at home rather than depressed whilst at work". There was no concern that an employee could be depressed. Today he had a meeting with me and one of the faults he picked was that I didn't meet with somebody and get a lift with them when we were going to the same job despite the fact that we don't live near each other and left at completely different times. I'm starting to wish I didn't work for this company... One of the main attacks is....... I should wash the van in my own time and it's in my contract that I have to do it in unpaid time. What would I want to do? I want to do nothing more than help people. I've said this for a long time.

It's been a while.......

I've been going back and forth with myself for a while as to what to write for my next blog. This could possibly be the hard one to write because I am writing it because I feel I need to rather than the normal way which is rant utter bullshit and nonsense that will fire from a single feeling or thought in my head from some point that day....

It's a thinking one. It's a genuine one. It's not upbeat and it's not a light read. You have been warned....


In the last couple of weeks someone has said to me "people get what they deserve". This phrase has been going round in my head ever since they said it. It's a wonderful image but as with many images these days it's not real. They also say a picture paints a thousand words. This is true but the words that often get painted are different depending on how deep you wish to delve. Look at the top layer of paint and you will simply see the skin. The layer on the top is so very rarely the image of the message we actually want to transmit.

I've been through many phases of my life many were fun and many were not. I've been a complete areshole at times and a shell of a human in others. This is kind of where I think this blog is going to go as at the moment I really don't know which image is on display. I don't even show the real one to the closest people to me anymore.

I was going to write a blog and title it with a title that was based on anger which would have been something along the lines of "There is no hidden agenda you fucking moron". It was going to be based on me trying to do nice things for people and them seeming to want to either ignore me or run a mile. To those people I say, are you really that arrogant. Do you honestly believe that you are that wonderful that someone might only do something for you in order to get something back from you rather than just doing something as a kind gesture? I would suggest that this is more a reflection on who you are as a person rather than the person trying to do the kind deed.

The stage I am at at the moment is that I am totally unaware of the course my life will take when it comes to love, life and marriage. 20 years ago I would never have thought this was possible. Many would say that this is something I have control over with regards to getting out and meeting people. To those people I simply say that I would challenge them to walk a month in my social and mental shoes and then tell me that after the massive pangs of fear to do with meeting new people and being accepted that it is really that easy to go out on your own and come across as someone that others would want to show any interest in at all let alone be in a relationship with.
 This believe it or not is not a self pity blog as it is more a writing what is currently going through my head. I don't have a any pity for me. Whilst I don't have someone to share my life with I do have some incredibly beautiful guitars in my life that seem in more than one way they seem to be my comfort that would have been there if I had someone to come home to.

I don't really know where else to go with this. I guess its true what people have said about others that spend their time trying to make others laugh. They really are burying and hiding their demons. The demons always get out.

Nonsense

Fx

What's love got to do, got to do with it? #Herpes

This........
This is not going to be a very easy one to write. I've spent the last half an hour looking for a music video. I found a couple that made my eyes fill up. The messages that want to to be said more often than not are not the ones we actually the ones we vocalize.

What is love? I dispute anyone who claims they can put it in a way that all people would agree with. It is all different things to everyone and nothing to some.
 What is it that you love? is love how you feel about your favorite goldfish that you won from the fair. The one you over feed and is now so large both ends of it are pressed up against the ends of the biospere tank you bought because you saw it on bog brother!! Is love the feeling you have about your first coffee of the day because that rush from the caffeine is just so hard to beat...... Is love dependence? Is love that feeling you have where there is a hole in you when something or someone is missing? Is that the sort of love you feel?

Truth be known I don't believe love is any single thing. Love is a collection of emotions and feelings that a person has when they come into contact even through thought with someone or something that is beyond the word important to you.

People dilute the word love. To those people that say I love you so easily it rolls off their tongue like a greased up cat in a ferret farm. Those are the kryptonite people to the real meaning of love. Those are the people that dilute the true meaning. We've all met them. There is someone who I used to speak to a lot that used to say "I love you" and yet they vanish of and appear as it suits them. I really don't believe that person knows how to love. They have very little baring on my life and never really have so it's no great issue that they are like this. It's just an example of the poison that kills the true earth shattering meaning of the word.

I' thinking about this blog now and am realizing that it is fairly heavy and for those of you who have got this far I thank you.

Me? Is there love? yes there is but as always it's never simple. Secret Mrs.P has had my love for years and always will do. She knows that. There was a top secret meeting at 1:20am on Sunday and it did more than fill a hole. Cyclones began. Cyclones can vanish but I don't know. This one feels different.

If there is someone you love then make sure they know it. Never be foolish enough to let them slip away because you never know, you might not get a second, third, fourth or fifth chance. Remember the word love and remember it in it's true form and use it.

Why #Herpes? Simple, time passes and things happen and you can never kill it just like the fore mentioned affliction. You see how that works? :)

Love and nonsense.

Fx



People not understanding or getting this reference don't fret.

It pains me that this next one has a connection to twilight so please look passed that........

Valentines day. A time for war, crime and rewards for sex

Saint Valentine......... What a complete law breaking arsehole!!
During the third century in Rome Emperor Claudius II outlawed the marriage of young men. He did this because they were much better at killing people during war than men who were satisfied and with a woman. No marriage, no woman, no nookie, better stab stab, more blood loss. Now then, that bastard Valentine thought to himself, let's fuck up any chance we have of coming first in a war. What did he do? He went ahead and married young couples in secret. We will call this backstreet black market marriages......... Is it wrong that I am wondering if the sex was better in these highly forbidden couplings? Well then, My old mucker Claudius found out about what this convict idiot was doing and did what any law abiding citizen would do and ordered his death. When I think of this a phrase that was used a lot in Jackass, firm but fair.

February 14th, 1929. Chicago. Two gangs rule the streets. One gang was run by George "bugs" Moran. The other gang was run by the one and only Al Capone. Rumor has it that the two of them didn't get on. The rumors of their rivalry came to a bit of a head when people dressed up as policemen gunned down seven members of Moran's gang whilst they were in a garage. It is said that the target was Moran himself however he left the scene minutes before the fun kicked off. Apparently there was quite a lot of blood. This action was given the title of "The Valentines day massacre". History created boys. Well done!!

Lets now look at modern day......
The build up to Valentines day normally starts on 26th of December. The commercial aspect of it now as with so many things has become the leading force behind the event. Gone are the days of it being what it should stand for. Gone are the days when I was all about a card would be received from an unknown party. You would spend months if not years trying to work out who it was that sent you card as they are clearly madly in love with you. When you did finally work out who it was from it was no doubt be from the person who everybody avoided because frankly they smell and when I say smell I mean they smell BAD!! It was innocent. It was pure. It wasn't about fleecing people for all the money you can.
 These days it seems to be a commercial venture only rivaled by Christmas. For the record Saint Nick was the Saint that stood for prostitutes. Every year millions of pounds of pressure is pilled onto primarily men to spend money on their partners because it is the only day of the year that you should be telling your other half that you are in love with them but this must be done in the most financially burdened way possible. Research has been done and has been proved and confirmed that the more you spend on your partner the more likely it is that you will be rewarded..... Acceptable prostitution, maybe. An extreme view from a simple reaction? YES! The facts still stand though.
 It's with the previous comment ringing in the back of my mind that I feel I must congratulate the super markets and this year even Kentucky Fried Chicken for having a special cheap bargain to show your loved one that for the time being , they will do but mark my words, when the going gets tough the tough fuck off very very quickly. What other message could you possible take from giving the love of your life a £3 200g box of mediocre crap selection chocolates. If that isn't to your taste then you really should think about the KFC option. about a fiver will let you treat your frankly better half to deep fried food and sugar saturated carbonated drink. Nothing says love like obesity and diabetes.

The long and the short of this is simple. don't give in to the bullshit and hype surrounding St. Fucknut day. Tell the person in your life that you love them all the time. Don't just wait for one day of the year to be ripped off and fucked over with the price of shit flowers.

My Valentines day........ I guess there is a very very low key unknown Mrs. P. I'm sure she would probably know who she is and there is a reference in here that she and only she will get the background to. If I know her then she will probably now be smiling and have an annoying feeling inside once she sees the reference.
 I will be spending the morning in bed and probably do some cleaning and washing. I haven't been with anyone on this day since 2010 properly. There was the teacher but we weren't official at that point which had something to do with her husband..... What is it with me and taken/married women? My day will be just another day. I haven't had any cards or anything related to the day for about 6 years and I've been single for 5 years. I'm not a fan of the day that seems to encourage, all be it without malice, finger pointing at the single people of the world.



Romance nonsense. It's all misunderstood and complete bollocks!!

Fx

Stewie created it and it runs on uranium!!!!

It's one of those things I'm sure we all think about......

What would you change in your past? Which bit of you would you go back in time and alter in order to become someone in a better place either mentally or physically?
 In your old age have you had dreams about owning a goose farm in Indiana and not raising geese but allowing capybara to roam free on your 27 3/4 acres. I can imagine that your evening would be filled with plenty of hilarity as you laugh at tourists wondering where the geese are as they find themselves in the middle of a knee high stampede!!
 If you do answer this I feel I should say that you can't go with a really dull answer that is designed to do nothing more than get yourself more money. Surely in this this world that doesn't exist you would plan on nothing more than being a happy person.

For me it's simple...... I think. I had three dream jobs when I was growing up and these are going to be listed in no order. I wanted to be a rock star/musician, I wanted to be a policeman and last but not least I wanted to be a teacher. Thinking about this it seems quite telling of the person I have become. One job entertains, one job helps and stands up for people and the other job teaches.

If we step back to school I have to say I don't think I would have changed anything other than allowing myself to be aware of what is going to happen between Mrs Hykiel my RE teacher and myself although........ if I changed things then there would be a very strong chance that the experience with her won't have happened......... I would have changed my GCSE choices and would have spent a lot more time and effort in the music department and would have been a much better guitarist, pianist and drummer. I would also have looked at singing a lot more.

With all this firing round in our minds I feel I should say I don't want to detract from the person I am now. I'm fucking amazing!!

Deep thought and educational nonsense!!


Fx

It's all over the front page, you give me road rage!!

That metal box. You know. That metal box with the five wheels.... The one you sit in and causes you to either be invincible or the most selfish and thoughtless fucknut that has ever existed!!! Yep that's right, this one is about driving and other people on the road.......

You're driving down the road, on the other side of the road cars are parked against the curb in a way they are allowed to. In front of you a car is approaching but that persons side of the road. what happens? That car decides that they have right of way and forces their way down your side of the road and screams abuse at you because you are in their way!! If that wasn't bad enough the driver is completely unaware of the size of the vehicle they are driving. You know and I know that they are driving a G wiz. How do we know that? We are looking straight at it. In the mind of the driver however they are driving some sort of Australian road train that is 12 foot wide and imported just for them with special permissions from the DVLA. We both are unsure as to why their car has to have a four foot gap between them and the parked cars but as far as I can see that is the only logical argument!!! People like this boil my blood. If you have that little spacial awareness then you shouldn't be driving. If you have that little spacial awareness then you are dangerous and it's people like that that kill bikers!!

Once upon a time I was driving my car and had the exact experience as suggested up there. I had a fantastic  method of sorting the problem out. When the lady behind the wheel started mouthing abuse at me and waving her hands about I simply switched the engine off, took off my seatbelt and walked away from the car. I have to admit I chuckled to myself as the driver went apoplectic. After she screamed a bit more abuse at me she started reversing in order to let me past. I'm not normally that much of a dickhead when driving but this person who didn't have the right of way tried to force me up onto the pavement because I was in her way. Legally I had right of way and I'm not about to give into anyone who acts like this purely because they think they are better than me!!

Driving is a piece of piss. It really doesn't take a huge amount of deep thought. One thing it does require though is a little bit of thought and consideration for other road users. If someone flashes their lights and lets you out then give a couple of flashes of the hazard lights or at the very least hold your hand up to say thank you. If you need ot change lane then indicate and then wait for the person to acknowledge you before simply turning into the space. I am not mincing my words with this but if you are the sort of person who thinks they own the road or have the right to be in the space someone else already occupies then you sir/madam, are a complete and utter cunt and I don't use that word lightly!

When you are in your metal box you are not invincible. It has been proved time and time again it is very very and frighteningly easy for someone to get out of their car and come and speak to you face to face but when that happens the person who has been the thoughtless nugget tends to be the very first person to wind up their windows and scream and run away like a frightened little school child. Like I said, think about things. You aren't invincible and all it takes is a tiny bit of thought to make the driving world a much nicer place to be.

Don't be a tool. Indicate. Say thank you. Remember that santa claus does NOT exist!!!! The easter bunny doesn't lay eggs because what sort of genetically fucked up bunny lays eggs and as for the tooth fairy, that arse hole who breaks into your house at night and creeps round in children's bedrooms!!

Be good and thoughtful to each other. You never know it might raise you spirits....

Fx

If you've made it this far then first of a a heart felt thank you :) and secondly please share my blog. My heart and sole goes into it and its primarily designed to make people think but most of all make people smile :)