Well then...... Entering week 4..............
Lets just forget week 3 shall we? Far FAR to many fuck ups. Far to many regrets. Far to much in my head that will never get published or made public and frankly will never be conveyed in person to anyone things buried enough that I promise not even people who believe they know me know..... Even my mother said to me last week please don't kill yourself!!! Properly actually fuck last week!!
Week 4.........
Thought I would make this another personal one from my perspective. For those of you that don't know me, I'm 40. I live on my own in a one room flat somewhere in the UK. For various reasons my social circle is very very small (read the other blogs). The "lockdown" (we aren't in lockdown but are following advice giving. It's not enforced just really frowned upon if you don't follow) is frankly giving me a bit of a kicking. It's lovely that there have been a very small group of people messaging me to say hello but I'm failing a bit in the fact I am not really seeing anyone and am pretty much here with my own company. There is someone who I see a little bit but the restrictions (some by my own doing) mean I'm feeling a little bit like a knackered Russian bear in a cage that no only doesn't get looked at but has been moved to the corner of the establishment and just gets pointed at and left at that. This does NOT detract from the people messaging but you know, contact in person is different. Now I know a lot of people would say "yes but we are all in the same boat" and sadly most those people are in a building with others and have another household where they can interact. For me it's increasingly being me myself and I. If it weren't for that American I think my mentality would have taken a very very sharp nosedive by now. If you've got this far then this blog is NOT about you.
I've put quite a lot of thought in selling most my things, the car, guitars, all my toys. What makes a man? Is it his possessions? Is it his standing in life? I don't think it is either. I don't know what it is though but a lot of thought has been put i to this in the last 5 days or so. I never used to cry and now it is happening more and more. Even I'm stating to think of myself as pathetic. I'm not writing what I want to now so I'll walk away from this whilst thinking to myself I don't know where to go from here........
I do miss the good morning and nighty night bits though......
F
#Corona #Stayathome #Covid19 #NHS #Crisis
Monday, 20 April 2020
Tuesday, 24 March 2020
Corona..... Just that.....
Well isn't this a bit of a fucked up situation we find ourselves in......... Regardless of how and where it started it's a bit of an issue for all of us and people seem really confused as to what they should and should not be doing but that sad truth is what a lot of people are doing isn't really going to have as much impact as they think.......
The UK....... Now I'm writing this from a completely selfish stand point. We have done to little to late. I'm not sure if the basis for the current plan is so we don't push the country in to a sense of panic but it is going to aid damage that really doesn't need to happen. It's a fact that the virus can not survive longer than 14 hours outside of being incubated. whilst I appreciate that it would not be a very cheap way of doing things it would have us clear and back up and running much much faster if we had a FULL lock down and people actually did what they were told. A one week lock down and tests rolled out on day 5. Those who are found to be clear return of the virus return to life as we knew it. Those found to be infected put in to an enforced isolation. Like it or not that should sort the spread. I know a few of you might not agree with this but I believe it would work. We won't be pushed to do this though because it will be seen as to big a financial hit on the country and as we have seen the general public are stupid and are intentionally not sticking to the suggested rules. We only have our self to blame for the spread. I'm willing to bet the thousands of people who will die from this in our country are worth more to people than staying in for a week.....
The recommendation for people not to interact with others outside of their family unit or those you live with is a good bit of advice but the one thing I beg of you all, and this comes from the heart is, whilst we are all staying away from others don't forget those people who suffer from loneliness because I am sure some of those people wont see a way out of the darkness if they don't still have contact with people. I'm sure suicide rates wont be published whilst all this is going on but please remember those people on their own. They still need to know people are out there.
The workers...... I'm in the situation where I have to not only work in customers houses but also on construction sites. None of us are comfortable doing so but if we don't what happens? Do I want to go in to work? No I don't. Can I afford to not go in to work? No I can't. Am I aware that if we all stop coming in to work we will all be shocked when a successful company starts to sink? Of course. That's where the part of me that shouts to go in to work comes in. the company pays me. Without our work the company dies...... Doesn't mean I'm comfortable with risking it though. It's fine that office staff can go and work from home but in what I do I consider myself on the front line of services purely because of how many people I have contact with each day.
I don't really know what else to say on this but please, I beg you, whilst we are being told to stay in our houses don't forget those who will suffer more than they are willing to admit by being shut away on their own.
Signing off
Fx
The UK....... Now I'm writing this from a completely selfish stand point. We have done to little to late. I'm not sure if the basis for the current plan is so we don't push the country in to a sense of panic but it is going to aid damage that really doesn't need to happen. It's a fact that the virus can not survive longer than 14 hours outside of being incubated. whilst I appreciate that it would not be a very cheap way of doing things it would have us clear and back up and running much much faster if we had a FULL lock down and people actually did what they were told. A one week lock down and tests rolled out on day 5. Those who are found to be clear return of the virus return to life as we knew it. Those found to be infected put in to an enforced isolation. Like it or not that should sort the spread. I know a few of you might not agree with this but I believe it would work. We won't be pushed to do this though because it will be seen as to big a financial hit on the country and as we have seen the general public are stupid and are intentionally not sticking to the suggested rules. We only have our self to blame for the spread. I'm willing to bet the thousands of people who will die from this in our country are worth more to people than staying in for a week.....
The recommendation for people not to interact with others outside of their family unit or those you live with is a good bit of advice but the one thing I beg of you all, and this comes from the heart is, whilst we are all staying away from others don't forget those people who suffer from loneliness because I am sure some of those people wont see a way out of the darkness if they don't still have contact with people. I'm sure suicide rates wont be published whilst all this is going on but please remember those people on their own. They still need to know people are out there.
The workers...... I'm in the situation where I have to not only work in customers houses but also on construction sites. None of us are comfortable doing so but if we don't what happens? Do I want to go in to work? No I don't. Can I afford to not go in to work? No I can't. Am I aware that if we all stop coming in to work we will all be shocked when a successful company starts to sink? Of course. That's where the part of me that shouts to go in to work comes in. the company pays me. Without our work the company dies...... Doesn't mean I'm comfortable with risking it though. It's fine that office staff can go and work from home but in what I do I consider myself on the front line of services purely because of how many people I have contact with each day.
I don't really know what else to say on this but please, I beg you, whilst we are being told to stay in our houses don't forget those who will suffer more than they are willing to admit by being shut away on their own.
Signing off
Fx
Thursday, 20 February 2020
Not feeling good
So then, Last night I spent about 90 minutes messaging someone at crisis. I'm really not happy at the moment. for the first time in a long time I can say I genuinely feeling really depressed and no I wont be jumping on the old believe of "take tablets for it". Please don't say that to me. I find it offensive. Your way of solving a problem is not my way of solving a problem!
I don't think it is any one certain that has caused this but more a small string of things.
I'm tired. I'm tired of coming home to an empty flat. I'm tired of being only a friend. I'm tired of never being seen as anything other than someone in the background rather than an important part of someone's life. I'm tired of the fact I have hit 40 and have achieved what I see as nothing in my life. I'm tired of the fact that I feel that even if I did end up in a relationship with someone I am passed the point of being young enough to start a family. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have anyone who I can speak to 100% and is without question thee for me. I've tried to b the best person I can be and will always help someone if I am able but yet it feels like I am still the after thought. I'm tired.
I have said many times the only reason I would end my life is because of the Edinburgh collective and right this minute that is painfully accurate.
I don't want to continue on this path and I don't feel I have the ability to divert it from it's course. Never judge someone or insist the solution is easy unless you have spent a day in their mind and seeing as that isn't possible it's best to keep the simplistic replies left unsaid.
I'm deeply unhappy and don't know what to do but don't want to be in this state anymore. I would welcome an uncontrolled solution.
I don't think it is any one certain that has caused this but more a small string of things.
I'm tired. I'm tired of coming home to an empty flat. I'm tired of being only a friend. I'm tired of never being seen as anything other than someone in the background rather than an important part of someone's life. I'm tired of the fact I have hit 40 and have achieved what I see as nothing in my life. I'm tired of the fact that I feel that even if I did end up in a relationship with someone I am passed the point of being young enough to start a family. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have anyone who I can speak to 100% and is without question thee for me. I've tried to b the best person I can be and will always help someone if I am able but yet it feels like I am still the after thought. I'm tired.
I have said many times the only reason I would end my life is because of the Edinburgh collective and right this minute that is painfully accurate.
I don't want to continue on this path and I don't feel I have the ability to divert it from it's course. Never judge someone or insist the solution is easy unless you have spent a day in their mind and seeing as that isn't possible it's best to keep the simplistic replies left unsaid.
I'm deeply unhappy and don't know what to do but don't want to be in this state anymore. I would welcome an uncontrolled solution.
Saturday, 15 February 2020
Along comes the merry-go-round
Ah Ah Ah, what's you're name, what's you name? Hold the S because I am an aint'.......
Along comes that time of year again but this year we introduce call of duty...........
Another year single. Another year believing I am broken......
I'm not sure (once again) where to go with this. I know what I want to say but simply can't publish what is bouncing around in my head. Not the usual. This time there is someone who has taken the home alone to there is someone who is local. The problem being this time I'm not sure it's the crutch I should be leaning on.....
The first port of call wasn't available so it ended with a 1.5 mile walk to get milk that I didn't use and then whisky and call of duty. The slide seems to be greased and I seem to be waiting at the top. I'm not about to jump on but believe me I feel like I'm looking down it.............
I'm tired of being single in this world. I'm tired of carrying my life on my shoulders. I' tired.....
M if I could bring you back I could do with some advice. I miss you.
Fuck it all
Fx
I can't play the third video because it's been banned by youtube........
Along comes that time of year again but this year we introduce call of duty...........
Another year single. Another year believing I am broken......
I'm not sure (once again) where to go with this. I know what I want to say but simply can't publish what is bouncing around in my head. Not the usual. This time there is someone who has taken the home alone to there is someone who is local. The problem being this time I'm not sure it's the crutch I should be leaning on.....
The first port of call wasn't available so it ended with a 1.5 mile walk to get milk that I didn't use and then whisky and call of duty. The slide seems to be greased and I seem to be waiting at the top. I'm not about to jump on but believe me I feel like I'm looking down it.............
I'm tired of being single in this world. I'm tired of carrying my life on my shoulders. I' tired.....
M if I could bring you back I could do with some advice. I miss you.
Fuck it all
Fx
I can't play the third video because it's been banned by youtube........
Wednesday, 6 November 2019
A little reflection
Wednesday the 6th November 2019. Return from work and continue drinking the bottle of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. The drive home had me listening to some songs which which ultimately brought the return of the tears..... What's going on then?......
Changes at work whilst are very good and are taking the company in the right direction seem to have had a bit of a side effect that I am far from keen on and how it has pushed people to change. Not quite the door mat I have previously been but it seems that whilst some things change for the better some things just change their face and other things just remain the same. Surely it's a case of aim at the positives and everything else will fall in to line. Sure, that's always been how it's worked in the past.......
The social flying ant that I have become is, for now, becoming more comfortable that I really want it to be. After someone challenged me on how things stand socially I have been digging deep in my head to try and think about how it is that things over the passed 8 years have actually affected me and the conclusion I have come to is simply that I am in my head socially worthless. By that I mean it is how I feel I am based on my old circle of "friends". Someone cant have worth if they are so eagerly dropped to cement their comfort. Has this only had (the clearly) negative effect that I convey? I don't think it has. It has opened my eyes as to how others are treated and how it could very easily affect them in the long term rather than the next five minutes. Not to say I was blind to it before but I'm thinking about it more than I have in the passed. I'm sure there are people that I could have effected in the same way however I think to myself that my opinion hasn't mattered enough to anyone to effect their lives in such a way and if I have and have hurt that person then I offer them a genuine apology with my cap in hand.
Things have been happening with my best friends children and there is a MASSIVE part of me that wants to get in touch with them and be blunt and say "Look, I'm here and will always help" however I am not seen like that by them and that is a real shame and breaks my heart a little bit. I can see sooo much of what I went through at their age in them and I don't feel like I can reach out to them because of who I am. I know that sounds odd but it's simply because they are growing up and becoming actual real people!! They have their circle of friends and have their support structure. They know I'm here but I'm not secondary let alone primary support for them. The most beautiful people fall by the side of the unabashed.
The drinking thing....... It's not an issue. It's simply an escape. I get that it's a dangerous tightrope to walk however I am not the sort of person to allow themselves to be guided or controlled by something they deem they need. The old and bad "lady" habit I had is dead. It seems odd saying that because I still actively look but now I just think there is no fucking way I am handing over my money, It's mine. I've got bills and shit to pay for!!
I think I'm settled on the belief that I am going to grow old and die alone. I don't see a way out of that anymore.
Short and sweet........
Now fuck off and live life like a rock star!!!!
Fxx
Changes at work whilst are very good and are taking the company in the right direction seem to have had a bit of a side effect that I am far from keen on and how it has pushed people to change. Not quite the door mat I have previously been but it seems that whilst some things change for the better some things just change their face and other things just remain the same. Surely it's a case of aim at the positives and everything else will fall in to line. Sure, that's always been how it's worked in the past.......
The social flying ant that I have become is, for now, becoming more comfortable that I really want it to be. After someone challenged me on how things stand socially I have been digging deep in my head to try and think about how it is that things over the passed 8 years have actually affected me and the conclusion I have come to is simply that I am in my head socially worthless. By that I mean it is how I feel I am based on my old circle of "friends". Someone cant have worth if they are so eagerly dropped to cement their comfort. Has this only had (the clearly) negative effect that I convey? I don't think it has. It has opened my eyes as to how others are treated and how it could very easily affect them in the long term rather than the next five minutes. Not to say I was blind to it before but I'm thinking about it more than I have in the passed. I'm sure there are people that I could have effected in the same way however I think to myself that my opinion hasn't mattered enough to anyone to effect their lives in such a way and if I have and have hurt that person then I offer them a genuine apology with my cap in hand.
Things have been happening with my best friends children and there is a MASSIVE part of me that wants to get in touch with them and be blunt and say "Look, I'm here and will always help" however I am not seen like that by them and that is a real shame and breaks my heart a little bit. I can see sooo much of what I went through at their age in them and I don't feel like I can reach out to them because of who I am. I know that sounds odd but it's simply because they are growing up and becoming actual real people!! They have their circle of friends and have their support structure. They know I'm here but I'm not secondary let alone primary support for them. The most beautiful people fall by the side of the unabashed.
The drinking thing....... It's not an issue. It's simply an escape. I get that it's a dangerous tightrope to walk however I am not the sort of person to allow themselves to be guided or controlled by something they deem they need. The old and bad "lady" habit I had is dead. It seems odd saying that because I still actively look but now I just think there is no fucking way I am handing over my money, It's mine. I've got bills and shit to pay for!!
I think I'm settled on the belief that I am going to grow old and die alone. I don't see a way out of that anymore.
Short and sweet........
Now fuck off and live life like a rock star!!!!
Fxx
Sunday, 20 May 2018
From Russia with blood
The civilised world. We all like to think we are part of it but if we are honest with ourselves how many of us buy into inhumane because we don't have to see it or deal with the consequences?
The world cup is being held in Russia. Now I for one could not care any less about football if my life depended on it. Is there any other sport that generates the same sort of anger and "passion" that is brought out by 22 men running round a field after a balloon covered in animal skin? Being English I am meant to love the sport. I am meant to support my national team. I am meant to care! The England football team are, without question crap. When was the last time we got ANYWHERE on our own merits? It's always a case of getting through because someone else screwed it up rather than getting through on ability and talent.
Despite that rant this is not about football. This is about Russia. This is about the country that actively shows a lack of respect for human life and treats women as second rate citizens and anybody that is anything other than vehemently heterosexual is savagely beaten often to the point of having their life permanently changed. THIS is the country that we are pouring millions into. THIS is the country that by pouring millions into and taking part in the idiots sport we are openly saying that we are willing to look past the brutality that goes on everyday. Wasn't it bad enough that winter Olympics were held there and millions was thrown away during that.
Did you know Russia has recently passed a law that means if you beat your female partner as long as she is not put in hospital you will get away with nothing but a fine. Is this the sort of country we want to champion? Do we really want to champion a country that is run by such a brutal regime? A country that has elections that if they are not rigged have all competitors to Putin removed from the running in various ways. It is clear that our government is to weak and pathetic to do anything about the atrocities that Russia has performed weather it is ruining an afternoon out at Zizi's or affecting an election that caused one of the worlds biggest trumpet fucking hair pieces to be in charge in America.
By all the things like this that we overlook and don't stand up against we, you, are allowing these things to continue. If you aren't being vocal and questioning why we are condoning any international relationships with a country that shouts that all these things are acceptable then you are guilty of turning a blind eye to it. How would you feel if the country that you lived in allowed this sort of thing to openly continue.
We are all scared of imposing sanctions on Russia. We are all scared when it comes to standing up to the international bully.
International nonsense!!!!
F x
The world cup is being held in Russia. Now I for one could not care any less about football if my life depended on it. Is there any other sport that generates the same sort of anger and "passion" that is brought out by 22 men running round a field after a balloon covered in animal skin? Being English I am meant to love the sport. I am meant to support my national team. I am meant to care! The England football team are, without question crap. When was the last time we got ANYWHERE on our own merits? It's always a case of getting through because someone else screwed it up rather than getting through on ability and talent.
Despite that rant this is not about football. This is about Russia. This is about the country that actively shows a lack of respect for human life and treats women as second rate citizens and anybody that is anything other than vehemently heterosexual is savagely beaten often to the point of having their life permanently changed. THIS is the country that we are pouring millions into. THIS is the country that by pouring millions into and taking part in the idiots sport we are openly saying that we are willing to look past the brutality that goes on everyday. Wasn't it bad enough that winter Olympics were held there and millions was thrown away during that.
Did you know Russia has recently passed a law that means if you beat your female partner as long as she is not put in hospital you will get away with nothing but a fine. Is this the sort of country we want to champion? Do we really want to champion a country that is run by such a brutal regime? A country that has elections that if they are not rigged have all competitors to Putin removed from the running in various ways. It is clear that our government is to weak and pathetic to do anything about the atrocities that Russia has performed weather it is ruining an afternoon out at Zizi's or affecting an election that caused one of the worlds biggest trumpet fucking hair pieces to be in charge in America.
By all the things like this that we overlook and don't stand up against we, you, are allowing these things to continue. If you aren't being vocal and questioning why we are condoning any international relationships with a country that shouts that all these things are acceptable then you are guilty of turning a blind eye to it. How would you feel if the country that you lived in allowed this sort of thing to openly continue.
We are all scared of imposing sanctions on Russia. We are all scared when it comes to standing up to the international bully.
International nonsense!!!!
F x
Thursday, 10 May 2018
Fitbit wankers (I love you)
Evening. It's been a while.......
Twitter. People post those Fitbit stats and with every one I used to see I would think "I couldn't give any less of a fuck if I tried". Telling the entire world that they have lost .5 of a lb or that they have managed to walk up a flight of stairs or they have walked 30 meters down to the local kebab shop. I wish they would all realise that most people just don't care. Then last week happened.........
I can't really remember what happened in my head but I imagine it probably involved blunt trauma. I bought one..... I bought a Fitbit ionic. I bought a Fitbit aria 2 to go with it.
Part of me saw it as nothing more than a gadget. Part of me saw it as finally showing a bit more willing and intent that I want to lose weight and become the monster I once was.
It arrived. I downloaded the app and thought to myself that I hope this all works and gives me a kick right up the arse.
Day 1: messed around with it
Day 2: messed around with it
Day 3: didn't even pick it up.....
Day 4: made sure it was charged and linked up to my phone. Put music on to it. Paired up the headphones I bought for it. Went for a walk!!!! Not the longest. Only 3.14 miles..... That's the first time I've actively done ANY exercise for about 12 years!!!! Spoke to friend I was with that evening and he said it was really good what I had done. Me being me I kind of got a little bit blunt and bullish and said that his opinion and in fact nobody else's opinion mattered with these things and the only important opinion was how I felt myself about how I had done. I wasn't happy with how much I had done. Don't mistake that with not being happy with the fact I had done something but I know what I used to do and knew I could have done a lot more.
Day 5: Woke up..... for the first time in a long time I was not only determined to to continue the work I had started the day before but I actually WANTED to. I got up and ended up walking 4.95 miles and 10,704 steps. I got home and was tired. I had been sweating. I had a shower. I got out the shower and felt great about myself
Day 6: Today.... I ache. That didn't stop me. Today I did 5.86 miles and 11,037. I get home and I'm fucking knackered!!!!
I'm here to announce that I have joined the Fitbit wanker club. I am that wanker that wears his smart watch and keeps looking at it to see how many steps I have taken. I am that wanker who whilst walking home will take the longer route in order to increase the distance walked and step count. I am that wanker. I am Fitbit twat, hear me roar!!!!
I care about the figures. I see them as targets. I want to do have higher stats than people I know (which I don't think will happen because the two women on my friends list are not only blowing me out the water but then throwing me back into the water with concrete boots on!! Those two women are monster of the fit.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I really pleased to be back in the fit better person mode? Damn bloody right I am.
If you have a Fitbit then add me. I want the community!! thefraggle@blueyonder.co.uk is the user account!!
F x
Twitter. People post those Fitbit stats and with every one I used to see I would think "I couldn't give any less of a fuck if I tried". Telling the entire world that they have lost .5 of a lb or that they have managed to walk up a flight of stairs or they have walked 30 meters down to the local kebab shop. I wish they would all realise that most people just don't care. Then last week happened.........
I can't really remember what happened in my head but I imagine it probably involved blunt trauma. I bought one..... I bought a Fitbit ionic. I bought a Fitbit aria 2 to go with it.
Part of me saw it as nothing more than a gadget. Part of me saw it as finally showing a bit more willing and intent that I want to lose weight and become the monster I once was.
It arrived. I downloaded the app and thought to myself that I hope this all works and gives me a kick right up the arse.
Day 1: messed around with it
Day 2: messed around with it
Day 3: didn't even pick it up.....
Day 4: made sure it was charged and linked up to my phone. Put music on to it. Paired up the headphones I bought for it. Went for a walk!!!! Not the longest. Only 3.14 miles..... That's the first time I've actively done ANY exercise for about 12 years!!!! Spoke to friend I was with that evening and he said it was really good what I had done. Me being me I kind of got a little bit blunt and bullish and said that his opinion and in fact nobody else's opinion mattered with these things and the only important opinion was how I felt myself about how I had done. I wasn't happy with how much I had done. Don't mistake that with not being happy with the fact I had done something but I know what I used to do and knew I could have done a lot more.
Day 5: Woke up..... for the first time in a long time I was not only determined to to continue the work I had started the day before but I actually WANTED to. I got up and ended up walking 4.95 miles and 10,704 steps. I got home and was tired. I had been sweating. I had a shower. I got out the shower and felt great about myself
Day 6: Today.... I ache. That didn't stop me. Today I did 5.86 miles and 11,037. I get home and I'm fucking knackered!!!!
I'm here to announce that I have joined the Fitbit wanker club. I am that wanker that wears his smart watch and keeps looking at it to see how many steps I have taken. I am that wanker who whilst walking home will take the longer route in order to increase the distance walked and step count. I am that wanker. I am Fitbit twat, hear me roar!!!!
I care about the figures. I see them as targets. I want to do have higher stats than people I know (which I don't think will happen because the two women on my friends list are not only blowing me out the water but then throwing me back into the water with concrete boots on!! Those two women are monster of the fit.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I really pleased to be back in the fit better person mode? Damn bloody right I am.
If you have a Fitbit then add me. I want the community!! thefraggle@blueyonder.co.uk is the user account!!
F x
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