I'm unsuccessfully trying to lose weight. With my work I'm frequently out and about so I would call that mildly active. I play golf and that is pretty much on par with just going for a walk (pun intended). I find myself buying takeaways in order to comfort myself and also to make myself feel momentarily happier. The issue with that is when I wake up the following day I often find my mood less than social and find my breathing heavier. If I stick to my Huel routine This doesn't happen the following day so I can't accept that it is JUST because of being overweight. I live on my own and have very very few people in my life so these little shots of pleasure are an important injection in to my daily life. I can afford to buy the takeaways every day but it leaves me with no money left and feeling crappy but the night before it is much much more appealing to get that burger/chinese/indian/pizza in order to get the happy feeling.
I know I can't continue like that however in the evenings I just don't care and manage to convince myself that I "deserve" the treat. I don't deserve the treat. I deserve to look after myself so I will be happier because my health is better........
I'm struggling with this and had to vocalize it and don't feel I have anyone to vocalize it to so here it is....
As I start my second pint of double strength long island iced tea I start writing this........
50ml White tequila
50ml London gin
50ml Vanilla Absolute
50ml Morgans spiced rum
A splash (about 20ml) of contreau (however you spell it)
a splash of lime juice
Top up with full fat Coca cola.......... about 220ml of 40% alcohol in each drink.
Bowers and Wilkins headphones on and Oasis playing at full volume......
Things have changed. things are very different financially from where I was last time we caught up. I'm no longer an employee but more a director. who would have thought? What the fuck is that all about? It's almost like I'm grown up which leads to the root of the action of the writing for the first time in a while. I've been thinking about writing a post for a few months now but I am of the honest belief that if you have to think if something and make yourself write instead if being organic then it's going to be shit. Maybe it's the pretty much pint of spirits that has caused the motivation. truth be known I was close to writing a poem and posting it inspired by Marie. Last thing I want to do is give myself reason to be in tears right now so that's been dropped in to cold storage. So why?????............
I'm 42. I'm sat here on my new jumbo chord sofa not really giving a fuck. I'm 42. When I was in secondary school I said I would be dead by now. Why aren't I? It's the little people.
I've been feeling like shit for a little while now reaching out to people I shouldn't. I'm feeling incredibly lonely in life. All the people I actually care about are married/engaged/spoken for or I simply have zero interest, as odd as it sounds, having them in my life anymore. I think I'm resigned to living the entirety of my life from this day forth on my own and it really is not something I hate about. I've had the conversations with people who say just get yourself out there and speak to people. Not that simple and the next person who tells me to not worry about it and do it is going to get both barrels........ It's not easy. it's 35 years of being told I'm ugly. it's 35 years of being the friend. It's a few years of hating myself for not telling someone how much I love them before they left. I have such fond memories of the last proper conversation her and I had. I was driving home. She was typical her. I was me. She was amazing. I miss her all the time. I said I wasn't going there so on to the next thing..........
If you are with someone embrace them not meant in a physical way but let in to your heart what they mean to you and try to give yourself a split second of time to imagine what it would be like if they left. embrace your loved ones.
I've been watching a LOT of the "restoring faith in mankind" videos where people are kind to each other. I would give up EVERYTHING to have someone who misses me like that.
On that note, time to finish the pint and go to bed. I've got work in the morning....
When I was in secondary school I remember saying I won't live passed 40. I remember saying 40 is the age I want to hit. I remember saying my ideal way of kicking the bucket was to be shot in the back of the head from less than 100 meters away. I distinctly remember that. In 2 days time I am 41. In two days time in my book I am living on borrowed time.......
For the last few months I've been thinking. I don't remember the last time I did something for myself. Pretty much everything I have done is to make other people happy or to try to avoid annoying others. What do I do for myself? the Noel Gallagher concerts I went o in 2015 and 2012. That is all I can think of. I live my life day by day wanting an escape. I live my life tired. I live my life wondering when I can switch off. I have said for years that I wouldn't do anything whilst my mother is still alive. I've said I wouldn't do anything because of my niece and nephew. If I'm honest they are becoming less and less of a detterant. If this blog is ever discovered people will say we didn't see it coming. People will say we didn't know. People will say we didn't realise. People will say we didn't do anything because we didn't think he was serious....... To those people, read anything I've written in the last year or so........
I've told someone for a long time about how I'm single. I was convinced to join a dating site. I did. Sadly I joined to do nothing more than show that everything I have said is as serious as cancer (rythm is dancer). They saw messages. Then then saw me get ignored and blanked in exactly the way I said I would be. They didn't believe until they saw it. They have honestly said nothing else about it since then. Surely when one of your biggest supporters throws in the towel it's time to leave the stage....... Even my mother once said she doesn't see me growing old with children. I didn't think it would mean I grow old on my own.............
It's so easy for people to say well change something. It's so easy for me to point out that I get, and I mean this with every beat of my heart, crippling anxiety (see other posts about my past) at the thought of throwing myself out there. You know what they say, up and down for attention, across for success. Rest assured that's not the way it will happen.
I don't know what's got in to me in the last couple of days.
Last night was the usual Friday night film night with the neighbour. She did some american style food because of the 4th of July celebrations. She was nothing but kind but my mood was shocking. Even came really close to losing my temper because of subtitles. Everything was just irritating me. Today her and her other half are celebrating his birthday. It's just made me think... She is doing all she can to make his day a happy thing. I've never had that from a partner......... I want someone to WANT to make me as happy as I want to make them.
Why have I, not only, not been able to find someone but the people I have been with why has it been an uphill struggle? Why haven't I ever found anyone that wants to put as much in to it as I have? How come all this has been such a fuck up and falls in to the right place wrong time? Story of my fucking life. Seriously, fucking kill me now!!
How many of those people who say they are there are ACTUALLY there?? Those people who are there if they have nothing better to do. Sorry I'm busy I'll speak to you later. I understand and know how you feel. YOU'VE GOT NO FUCKING IDEA HOW I FEEL. YOU'VE GOT NO FUCKING IDEA ABOUT MY LIFE. WALK IN MY FUCKING SHOES THEN TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND. THEN TELL ME IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. THEN TELL ME YOU'RE I'M A GOOD PERSON AND IT'S EASY TO FIND SOMEONE. UNTIL YOU'VE WALKED IN MY SHOES DON'T PRETEND YOU KNOW. YOU'VE GOT NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!!
DON'T THINK I WRITE THIS AND DAYS OR WEEKS LATER IT GOES. IT'S BEEN THERE FOR MORE YEARS THAN I WANT TO WORK OUT.
The good times are behind me.....
It would be a blessing and mercy to go to sleep and not wake up.
Lets just forget week 3 shall we? Far FAR to many fuck ups. Far to many regrets. Far to much in my head that will never get published or made public and frankly will never be conveyed in person to anyone things buried enough that I promise not even people who believe they know me know..... Even my mother said to me last week please don't kill yourself!!! Properly actually fuck last week!!
Week 4.........
Thought I would make this another personal one from my perspective. For those of you that don't know me, I'm 40. I live on my own in a one room flat somewhere in the UK. For various reasons my social circle is very very small (read the other blogs). The "lockdown" (we aren't in lockdown but are following advice giving. It's not enforced just really frowned upon if you don't follow) is frankly giving me a bit of a kicking. It's lovely that there have been a very small group of people messaging me to say hello but I'm failing a bit in the fact I am not really seeing anyone and am pretty much here with my own company. There is someone who I see a little bit but the restrictions (some by my own doing) mean I'm feeling a little bit like a knackered Russian bear in a cage that no only doesn't get looked at but has been moved to the corner of the establishment and just gets pointed at and left at that. This does NOT detract from the people messaging but you know, contact in person is different. Now I know a lot of people would say "yes but we are all in the same boat" and sadly most those people are in a building with others and have another household where they can interact. For me it's increasingly being me myself and I. If it weren't for that American I think my mentality would have taken a very very sharp nosedive by now. If you've got this far then this blog is NOT about you.
I've put quite a lot of thought in selling most my things, the car, guitars, all my toys. What makes a man? Is it his possessions? Is it his standing in life? I don't think it is either. I don't know what it is though but a lot of thought has been put i to this in the last 5 days or so. I never used to cry and now it is happening more and more. Even I'm stating to think of myself as pathetic. I'm not writing what I want to now so I'll walk away from this whilst thinking to myself I don't know where to go from here........
I do miss the good morning and nighty night bits though......
Well isn't this a bit of a fucked up situation we find ourselves in......... Regardless of how and where it started it's a bit of an issue for all of us and people seem really confused as to what they should and should not be doing but that sad truth is what a lot of people are doing isn't really going to have as much impact as they think.......
The UK....... Now I'm writing this from a completely selfish stand point. We have done to little to late. I'm not sure if the basis for the current plan is so we don't push the country in to a sense of panic but it is going to aid damage that really doesn't need to happen. It's a fact that the virus can not survive longer than 14 hours outside of being incubated. whilst I appreciate that it would not be a very cheap way of doing things it would have us clear and back up and running much much faster if we had a FULL lock down and people actually did what they were told. A one week lock down and tests rolled out on day 5. Those who are found to be clear return of the virus return to life as we knew it. Those found to be infected put in to an enforced isolation. Like it or not that should sort the spread. I know a few of you might not agree with this but I believe it would work. We won't be pushed to do this though because it will be seen as to big a financial hit on the country and as we have seen the general public are stupid and are intentionally not sticking to the suggested rules. We only have our self to blame for the spread. I'm willing to bet the thousands of people who will die from this in our country are worth more to people than staying in for a week.....
The recommendation for people not to interact with others outside of their family unit or those you live with is a good bit of advice but the one thing I beg of you all, and this comes from the heart is, whilst we are all staying away from others don't forget those people who suffer from loneliness because I am sure some of those people wont see a way out of the darkness if they don't still have contact with people. I'm sure suicide rates wont be published whilst all this is going on but please remember those people on their own. They still need to know people are out there.
The workers...... I'm in the situation where I have to not only work in customers houses but also on construction sites. None of us are comfortable doing so but if we don't what happens? Do I want to go in to work? No I don't. Can I afford to not go in to work? No I can't. Am I aware that if we all stop coming in to work we will all be shocked when a successful company starts to sink? Of course. That's where the part of me that shouts to go in to work comes in. the company pays me. Without our work the company dies...... Doesn't mean I'm comfortable with risking it though. It's fine that office staff can go and work from home but in what I do I consider myself on the front line of services purely because of how many people I have contact with each day.
I don't really know what else to say on this but please, I beg you, whilst we are being told to stay in our houses don't forget those who will suffer more than they are willing to admit by being shut away on their own.
So then, Last night I spent about 90 minutes messaging someone at crisis. I'm really not happy at the moment. for the first time in a long time I can say I genuinely feeling really depressed and no I wont be jumping on the old believe of "take tablets for it". Please don't say that to me. I find it offensive. Your way of solving a problem is not my way of solving a problem!
I don't think it is any one certain that has caused this but more a small string of things.
I'm tired. I'm tired of coming home to an empty flat. I'm tired of being only a friend. I'm tired of never being seen as anything other than someone in the background rather than an important part of someone's life. I'm tired of the fact I have hit 40 and have achieved what I see as nothing in my life. I'm tired of the fact that I feel that even if I did end up in a relationship with someone I am passed the point of being young enough to start a family. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have anyone who I can speak to 100% and is without question thee for me. I've tried to b the best person I can be and will always help someone if I am able but yet it feels like I am still the after thought. I'm tired.
I have said many times the only reason I would end my life is because of the Edinburgh collective and right this minute that is painfully accurate.
I don't want to continue on this path and I don't feel I have the ability to divert it from it's course. Never judge someone or insist the solution is easy unless you have spent a day in their mind and seeing as that isn't possible it's best to keep the simplistic replies left unsaid.
I'm deeply unhappy and don't know what to do but don't want to be in this state anymore. I would welcome an uncontrolled solution.
